BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS (2009) - 4/5 stars

Release: 2009

Director: Werner Herzog

Writer: William Finkelstein

Cast: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer, Brad Dourif, Xzibit, Fairuza Balk, Jennifer Coolidge, Michael Shannon, Vondie Curtis Hall, Shawn Hatosy, Denzel Whitaker, Shea Whigham

Soundtrack: Mark Isham

Claim to fame: a semi-sequel/spin-off to Abel Ferarra's 1992 film "Bad Lieutenant" with Harvey Keitel; billed as the return of the Nicolas Cage that fans of "Wild at Heart" and "Raising Arizona" know and love

Rating: 4/5 stars

The story of Werner Herzog'z "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" tells a dark, cosmic joke. And at the center of the maelstrom is Nicolas Cage giving a frantic, unhinged, and incredibly hilarious performance. Cage captures the manic highs and dead-end lows of a drug addict in a manner that is far more entertaining than most "drug films" and represents his best performance in at least 20 years.

Nic Cage don't give a %#(@ about probable cause

Sometimes when an actor delivers this particular kind of hyper-acting, it can seem like the rest of the movie is simply kind of existing around - or desperately trying to keep up with - their performance piece. See: Nicolas Cage in "Vampire's Kiss" or Crispin Glover in "River's Edge."

Fortunately, with "Bad Lieutenant" one senses that Herzog and Cage are totally in sync and Herzog is more than up to the task of crafting a compelling film around Cage's character (who Ain't-It-Cool-News' Quint accurately likened to a Universal Monster).

I could spend hours imagining the hilarity of this conversation

It starts with Herzog's unique directing flourishes, like the shot from an alligator's POV as it mourns the death of one of its brethren in a roadside accident; or Nicolas Cage stumbling through an arcade while under the influence of drugs, the lights and sounds of the arcade exaggerated for impressionistic effect, and the disembodied voice proclaiming "Insert coin to play" almost like some kind of metaphor for drug use.

There's also a scene of Cage driving at night, with prostitutes emerging in and out of the inky darkness to call unintelligibly after him, that would make David Lynch proud with its surreal quality.

Poor Louisiana alligator...

Herzog fills out his supporting cast with stellar actors, whose faces are both unfamiliar and familiar. Brad Dourif delivers a great turn as a bookie, while Shea Whigham steals every scene he's in (no small feat when you're acting against Cage) with his constant "Ohhhh yeahhhhh's." Michael Shannon and Fairuza Balk make the most of their bit parts as two fellow cops.

Val Kilmer is great in a limited role, playing a character who is seemingly sober yet somehow WORSE than Cage's drugged out lieutenant. On that note, I'd love to see a spin-off movie about Val's character. I can only imagine the kind of insanity that film would conjure up. I doubt Herzog would return to helm such a project so why don't we give it to someone like Tony Scott (who worked with Kilmer before on "Top Gun" and "Deja Vu"), who'd probably take the proceedings way too seriously - and thus make it even more hysterical?

Val Kilmer: don't call it a comeback

With Cage acting up a storm, the highlights come fast and frequent. There's Cage going behind the counter to fill his own Vicodin prescription ("Can I have my prescription now, PAH-LEASE?!?!"); Cage sneaking up behind an armed suspect and then basking in the praise of his fellow officers ("I love it, I love it"); Cage taking drug and sex bribes from a young couple outside a dance club ("Did your parents MOLEST you?!" is his character's idea of dirty talk); and his interrogation tactics with two well-to-do Southern ladies.

This is not to mention the bits of insanity you've probably already seen in the trailer: iguanas on coffee tables, Cage threatening to kill some drug dealers "'till the BREAK OF DAWN, BABY!" What makes all of it work is that Cage never once breaks character; he remains fully committed to the role and the reality of his bad lieutenant - notice his limp that grows more exaggerated as the film goes on - so that no matter how over the top he goes you're never taken out of the story.

With Nicolas Cage, this...

...quickly escalates to THIS.

By the time you reach the end of "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans," Herzog has taken what would have otherwise been a standard police procedural and turned it into a morbidly humorous treatise on karma. In every other film where a character is dependent on drugs, you almost certainly know what you're in for: a downward spiral as the addict becomes increasingly reliant on their substance until their entire life implodes.

This film is anything but predictable. And since Cage makes his lieutenant so damn likable (or at least watchable), as ugly and brutal as his behavior is you can't help but smile and laugh when everything falls into his lap despite little to no effort on his part. Hey, sometimes life works out like that...and here, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Anddddd - CUT!

D.C. CAB (1983) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1983

Director: Joel Schumacher

Writer: Joel Schumacher (screenplay), Topper Carew and Joel Schumacher (story)

Cast: Adam Baldwin, Max Gail, Mr. T, Charlie Barnett, Gary Busey, The Barbarian Brothers, Gloria Gifford, Marsha Warfield, Bill Maher, DeWayne Jessie, Paul Rodriguez, Irene Cara, Jill Schoelen

Soundtrack: Giorgi Moroder

Claim to fame: Mr. T, Gary Busey, and the Barbarian Brothers occupying the same cinema screen for one brief moment of our now-blessed existences

Rating: 4/5 stars

It's not in the Bible, but I'd be willing to wager that the REAL reason God rested on the 7th day was not because the day before He had created man, but that in creating man He helped create the seed of the idea that would become "D.C. Cab." Which would wear anybody out, all-powerful creator of the universe or not.

What is "D.C. Cab?" It's a 1983 Joel Schumacer film that brings together on celluloid the spectacular and unique talents of Gary Busey, Mr. T, and the Barbarian Brothers. Other noticeable cast members include Adam Baldwin (no relation to the Baldwin brothers, starred in "My Bodyguard" and "Full Metal Jacket"), Bill Maher, and 80's scream queen Jill Schoelen ("The Stepfather").

Is this...Turkish? I love that in some country,

Mr. T and Irene Cara (singer of "Fame") were the

biggest selling points of this movie

This film…okay, a loose narrative is constructed concerning Adam Baldwin as a young, idealistic kid who hitchhikes to Washington D.C. to join a cab company run by his recently-deceased father's old war buddy. Once he arrives, he learns that this particular unit is comprised of some of the most off-the-wall, anti-social degenerates to ever show their face in public.

From there on, the movie becomes a free-form string of barely connected incidents: Mr. T trying to protect his neighborhood and niece from the influence of drug dealers while wearing feathered earrings, Gary Busey's whacked improvisational skills (mostly having to do with bowel movements or oral sex), the Barbarian Brothers being the Barbarian Brothers, and Adam Baldwin forming a tentative friendship with the smooth-talking hustler Charlie Barnett.

It's hard on the streets for a man...and it's even harder for a cab driver.

The soundtrack was composed by Giorgi Moroder, who is a legend in his own right. The man is basically responsible for making the synthesizer a viable instrument for pop music by composing Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" way back in 1977, helping to pave the way for great 80's artists like Depeche Mode and New Order to conquer the charts. Moroder spent the 80's collaborating with and producing for people like Phil Oakley of The Human League and David Bowie, as well as composing music for films like "Midnight Express," "Cat People," and "Scarface." The guy is truly an 80's icon.

That said, his score for "D.C. Cab" is insane. It's full of some of the coolest, most "80's-ish" synth lines I've ever heard - the movie itself rarely has a moment that does not have a synth blaring in the background - but a lot of the music has vocals behind it. And the lyrics are, well, about as cliche as you can get for the "Me decade": every song is about working too hard, pushing it to the limit, trying to survive, or the power of love. Somehow it works.

Giorgi Moroder: You gotta love a German-speaking Italian man...in shades

How could it not work? "D.C. Cab" is so 80's it hurts. Don't get up to go to the bathroom during any point of this movie or you'll probably miss a montage. Mr. T and the Barbarian Brothers' fashion might just make your eyes bleed with their blaring neon colors or matching flannel/suspenders (respectively), or if you're anything like me a smile is going to plastered on your face for 110 minutes straight.

WARNING: for some viewers, this film may inadvertently foster

an intense love of the Barbarian Brothers

There's crass jokes, an early scene at a strip club that's wall-to-wall nudity (leave it to Busey to crash that party), a government-issue flamethrower from Vietnam is played for laughs, and the movie repeatedly hammers home its well-worn theme of self-respect and entrepreneurship.

Uncle Gary is at it again

But just when you think the movie is nothing but a farce, seemingly out of nowhere come these sincere, well-acted scenes that smack you upside the head, like Irene Cara being talked out of her quitting her job or Bill Maher's scarily-accurate monologue about how sometimes working to support your dreams ends up forestalling those dreams indefinitely as you live hand-to-mouth.

"D.C. Cab" is a movie that really has to be experienced to be believed. You may think you know what you're getting into but by the time Mr. T and the Barbarian Brothers literally crash through the dining room walls of a mild-mannered rural family

your expectations will have similarly been smashed. 4 stars for the most gonzo 80's flick I think I've ever seen.

BIGGER THAN LIFE (1956) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1956

Director: Nicholas Ray

Writer: Cyril Hume and Richard Maibaum (story and screenplay), Burton Roueche ("New Yorker" article), Gavin Lambert and James Mason and Clifford Odets and Nicholas Ray (uncredited rewrites)

Cast: James Mason, Barbara Rush, Walter Matthau, Robert F. Simon, Christopher Olsen, Roland Winters, Rusty Lane, Rachel Stephens, Kipp Hamilton

Soundtrack: David Raksin

Claim to fame: for a movie starring James Mason and directed by Nicholas "Rebel Without A Cause" Ray, this movie is pretty damn obscure

Rating: 4/5 stars

James Mason starring in a 50's melodrama that also happens to be Nicholas Ray's follow-up "Rebel Without A Cause"? Nobody had to trust my arm to get me to place this movie at the top of my Netflix queue, even though I'd admittedly never heard of the film before Criterion Collection released it on blu-ray late last month. As such, I was caught completely off guard by how utterly dark and harrowing "Bigger Than Life" is.

The opening twenty minutes - and the fact that the film's script was based off an article in the New Yorker - had me concerned that "Bigger Than Life" was going to be one of those 'you've heard about this happening to other people, now watch how it could happen to you'-style 1950's housewife shockers.

James Mason plays a respectable schoolteacher and family man who, unbeknownst to his wife, moonlights as a cab dispatcher for a little extra cash. He's been suffering from chronic pain for about 6 months until the whole situation catches up with him and he collapses at home, just after admitting to his wife that their modest suburban existence is really quite dull.

Nothing this good could ever last

The doctor's diagnosis is grim: Mason suffers from a rare condition that causes his arteries to swell. He'll be dead within the year - unless he tries the new miracle drug called Cortisone. His doctor warns him not to abuse the drug and to report any signs of depression but Mason is none too concerned - he's just happy to have a new lease on life.

After a week of recovery, he's sent back into the loving arms of his wife and son…until the Cortisone takes hold.

James Mason faces his mortality with his family at his side

You might feel like you know where this one is going. I thought I did: a beautifully photographed but ultimately archaic look at the picture-perfect nuclear family of the 1950's dealing with their patriarch's addiction to prescription pills.

I was expecting the swooning music, the glowing colors, and tearful embraces of a Douglas Sirk film - which I do unabashedly love.

This nuclear family is about to reach critical mass

But no. "Bigger Than Life" goes so far past that, into such dark, soul-searing territory that I can hardly believe this film was released in 1956. James Mason is transformed by the side effects of Cortisone into a paranoiac, manic-depressive suburban tyrant. It's the "Leave It to Beaver" model flipped completely on its head, as Mason delivers tirade after tirade that systematically tear down the American dream and reveal it as a sham.

Does the drug turn Mason into another person entirely or is it merely bringing out all the thoughts and feelings he kept buried in his daily life? That's up for the viewer to decide.

And you may ask yourself "Well, how did I get here?"

Director Nicholas Ray brilliantly uses drug addiction as a mere plot device, really, to deconstruct Eisenhower-era values. Mason, in his Cortisone-induced haze, spends money beyond his means just to appear more upper crust; he talks about waking up to discover he's "outgrown" his wife; he delivers Nazi-like theories on education to a deeply offended crowd at a PTA meeting; and the whole thing concludes with one of the most honest-to-God darkest scenes I've ever witnessed, as Mason transforms the family Bible into the means to commit murder.

I'm sure critics confronted Nicholas Ray at the time and asked, "How can you have a character say such terrible things?!" and Ray could simply smile, "But that's what drug abuse does to people!" all while knowing that there are kernels of truth in much of Mason's dialogue.

I won't spoil the ending but it's some pretty bleak stuff

Somehow James Mason manages to be even more terrifying here than as the lecherous Humbert Humbert of Stanley Kubrick's "Lolita" or the villain in Hitchcock's "North by Northwest." It's truly a performance for the ages and Mason's slightly effeminate, European accent only seems to heighten his isolation from his classical suburban American surroundings.

An early scene in which Mason forces his wife to obsessively try on dresses at an upscale boutique until she's literally too exhausted to move brings to mind a similar scene with Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak in "Vertigo" (1958). Indeed, anyone who enjoys the subversive 50's style of that film will find much to love about "Bigger Than Life."

Shades of "Vertigo," which came 2 years later

The film is wonderfully photographed, bringing an almost Expressionistic style of shot composition and color usage to a Middle American setting. Nicholas Ray favors long takes - IMDB reports that the average take is 11 seconds long, a far cry from today's ADD-addled directing style - looming shadows, and a carefully controlled color palette to immerse viewers in the tale of suburban psychosis. On the technical side of things, the Criterion Collection blu-ray release is absolutely stunning.

David Raksin, a composer perhaps most famous for the main theme to the 1940's noir film "Laura," delivers an excellent score with a motif that is haunting yet melodic and repeated just often enough.

I highly recommend "Bigger Than Life" to anyone who has any interest at all in mid-century American cinema. The film bombed at the box office in 1956 but caught the attention of many French New Wave filmmakers, then received a critical re-appraisal in America in the 70's, but has since become increasingly obscure. It's a shame. The pitch-black depths that the film plummets means that it's not exactly a movie I want to revisit with great frequency - but it's certainly worth watching, owning, and discussing with other cinema lovers.

Patriarch Knows Best

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1982

Director: John Milius

Writer: Oliver Stone and John Milius (screenplay), Robert E. Howard (stories)

Cast: Arnold Schwarzenneger, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Sandahl Bergman, Ben Davidson, Cassandra Gava, Gerry Lopez, Mako

Soundtrack: Basil Poledouris

Claim to fame: the live-action adaptation of Robert E. Howard's popular pulp stories; one of Arnold Schwarzenneger's first big movies

Rating: 4/5 stars

"Conan the Barbarian" has 3 things really going for it. One is that, in 1982, Arnold Schwarzenneger looked exactly like every adolescent kid dreamed Conan would.

Is that a...barbarian camel toe?!?!

Second is the scene in which James Earl Jones lectures Conan about true power, and demonstrates by having a young woman leap to her death at his mere asking.

"That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart, I gave you this! Such a waste. Contemplate this on the tree of woe. Crucify him!"

Whoa, okay, I'm not going to argue with him there.

Jesus Christ Pose

And lastly is the soundtrack by composer Basil Poledouris, an old college friend of director John Milius. The film is almost undeserving of the beautiful music he wrote; his score lends power and the weight of Fate itself to scenes that should have really just been half-naked dudes waving swords around in the desert.

You can tell it'll be a memorable soundtrack from the opening credits and it's since been used in everything from trailers to "Gladiator" to promotional videos for the "Legend of Zelda" games. Basil himself went on to score a lot of memorable 80's movies like "Robocop" and "Red Dawn."

"Valor pleases you, Crom...so grant me one request.

Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

I think the issue with "Conan the Barbarian" is that it's more noteworthy for the impact and influence it had on popular culture than as a film itself. It's certainly not the best movie that Oliver Stone or John Milius ever had their name attached to, and here Arnold is clearly still in the growing pains of learning how to act.

James Earl Jones ends up carrying all of their scenes together on his back and his performance goes a long way towards making the film feel like a genuine clash between good and evil.

James Earl Jones practices his thousand yard stare - into your SOUL

In the end, this is a movie worth watching - you've got plenty 'o decapitated heads, giant snakes, palace orgies, and much talk of the god Crom.

But once you read up on how much the film mixed and mashed Robert E. Howard's mythos, you realize you might be better off turning up Basil's soundtrack and imagining your own adventures for Conan.

Look at those rippling thigh muscles, hrnnnugh aghhh

DRUNKEN MASTER (1978) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1978

Director: Yuen Woo-ping

Writer: Lung Hsiao, Ng See-Yuen, Yuen Woo-ping

Cast: Jackie Chan, Yuen Siu Tien, Hwang Jang Lee, Fung Ging Man, Hsu Hsia, Linda Lin, Dean Shek, Shun-Yee Yuen

Soundtrack: Chow Fu-Liang

Claim to fame: this is one of Jackie Chan's first successful films and one of his most enduring among fans, introduced 'drunken boxing' to a legion of kung fu movie fans

Rating: 4/5 stars

Good Lord, there is so much kung-fu fighting in this movie that I very nearly felt fatigued by the end of it! You gotta love these 70's kung fu flicks where a well-choreographed fight sequence breaks out just because some guy won't pay his dinner tab.

Jackie was really in the best shape of his life for "Drunken Master"

For fans of Jackie Chan's more recent works, in which he's known for his implementation of props and dangerous stunts, this film might be a bit of an adjustment. Most of "Drunken Master" is comprised of dudes sparring in the middle of sunny fields with the camera set up perfectly to capture every move.

So instead of "What prop can Jackie use next?", it becomes about the athleticism, the choreography, the almost dance-like performance of the two combatants.

Centered shot composition means we get to see every move

Needless to say, I spent the entire runtime of "Drunken Master" utterly impressed by what Jackie and his co-stars were accomplishing. Jackie is so damn fit here and he seems to never stop moving, finding some new way to contort his body or dodge his opponent's blows.

Holy $#%&!

Did I mention that "Drunken Master" is also friggin' hilarious? It was fun to see Jackie play a well-meaning but ultimately selfish SOB who causes trouble for others at every turn. Bonus points for the scene where Jackie calls a middle-aged lady a bitch, only to have her kick his ass with her elite fighting skills...only to have him find out later that she's the aunt he hasn't seen in 10 years!

You gotta love 70's kung fu movie hijinks

"Drunken Master" plays out like a classic Shaw Brothers movie, only injected with a healthy dose of comedy and even more impressive physicality on the part of the actors involved. This is a must-see movie for Jackie Chan fans and anybody who can appreciate 111 minutes of nearly nonstop martial arts action.

If you can get over the British-sounding dub (which isn't as bad as some I've heard), this is also one of director/choreographer Yuen Woo-ping's greatest works.

What kung fu movie would be complete

without some kind of painful and arcane training exercises?

RUMBLE IN THE BRONX (1996) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1995 (Hong Kong), 1996 (America)

Director: Stanley Tong

Writer: Edward Tang, Fibe Ma

Cast: Jackie Chan, Anita Mui, Francoise Yip, Marc Akerstream

Soundtrack: Wong Chun Yin (the film was rescored in America)

Claim to fame: the movie that successfully introduced Jackie Chan to American audiences

Rating: 4/5 stars

I cannot overstate the impact of being an impressionable 5th grader in 1996, back when egomaniac stars like Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme were on there way out and all of a sudden this "newcomer" named Jackie Chan appeared on the action movie scene with a simple philosophy: no fear, no stuntmen, no equal. Although I had to wait a few years for his first PG-13 rating ("First Strike") before I could actually watch one of his movies, all it took was the initial trailer for "Rumble in the Bronx" to solidify my intense hero worship of Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan: have fist, will travel

Although his career has seen many ups and downs since then - with the downs coming largely from Hollywood drivel like "The Spy Next Door" - my loyalty is mostly intact. Jackie has a rare kind of screen presence that only comes along once every so many years. Unlike the Vin Diesals of the world, Jackie is an artist - not just a martial artist or action star. Now don't think I'm a hater, because I do enjoy a good Van Damme or Seagal flick every now in then, but I'd honestly compare Jackie to Fred Astaire or Buster Keaton before I'd liken him to any of his action movie star contemporaries.

His comic timing, intensely thought-out fight choreography, and daredevil stunts are basically unparalleled in cinema. And "Rumble in the Bronx" is the movie that truly introduced Jackie to America, even though he'd tried before, and it's always the movie I use as a gateway drug for friends looking to get into Chan's filmography.

You know the drill: Jackie Chan is the nicest guy...

but everybody wants to fuck with him!

Granted, "Rumble in the Bronx" isn't perfect. It was edited by a whopping 17 minutes and dubbed for American audiences by Dimension Films before being released in American cinemas. To this day, I still haven't seen the movie in its uncut form, but I've made a promise to myself that the next time I watch Jackie's 90's output I will do so in their original Cantonese language, no matter how hard it is to track down copies of them. For "Rumble," Jackie dubbed his own voice as he always does, which makes the movie far more watchable, but be warned that the rest of the actors sound like cartoon characters most of the time.

The plot is remarkably simple - or at least until some diamond thieves are brought in at the end - but I'd argue that works in the movie's favor. Jackie shows up to the Bronx for his uncle's wedding and sticks around to help manage his uncle's grocery store while the newlyweds are on their honeymoon. Thing is, the store soon becomes a target for a roving band of street thugs who love to shoplift and dress like they're out of a "Mad Max" movie.

Do you know what they sell at this grocery store? Yup, a half a loaf of kung-fu.

Most importantly, the plot serves as a simple vehicle for Jackie to show off his incredible fighting moves in several setpieces, the highlight of which might be the showdown in the gang's hideout where Jackie narrowly misses being crushed by some pinball machines. Combine that with a bravado leap onto a fire escape earlier in the film and Jackie skiing in street clothes with no actual skis, and you've got one visually spectacular movie.

Jackie was also one of the only action stars in the 90's who actually *got hurt*. Rewatch all those Seagal movies and you'll see that nobody ever lands a punch on him. Jackie tends to dominate his opponents in hand-to-hand combat but still - when he falls onto the roof of a car or gets a rearview mirror smashed across his chest, he doesn't hide the fact that it hurts like hell. He gets tired, exhausted, and fed up.

There's a scene in this movie that I like to call "The Passion of Jackie Chan," where the street gang corners him and tosses glass bottles at him over and over, until his clothes are torn to shreds and he's covered in blood. It's so damn intense and I dare say you would NEVER see an American action star allow himself to become this wounded in a film!

Arcades in the 90's where the scene of so much violence!

What hurts the film is that it doesn't end with a intense fight or a jaw-dropping stunt, but instead a wacky extended sequence involving a hovercraft. Instead of getting up close and personal with the baddies, he runs them over...with a giant, runaway hovercraft. It's entertaining, I suppose, but it's also a little silly and doesn't really have the same impact as the rest of the movie. I don't know why but Jackie frequently seemed to do this throughout the 90's: in "Mr. Nice Guy," for instance, he finishes the film by driving a giant bulldozer through the villain's mansion.

And in "First Strike," he drives a car onto the bad guy's boat (literally) - but at least that came after an underwater fight sequence. Perhaps Jackie realized that after the showstopping finale to "Police Story," he was running out of ways to top himself with fight scenes so he opted for ridiculous stunts instead. Unfortunately, it kind of hurt the climaxes of several of his films.

Feel free to come up with your own sound FX for this picture! Wah-tahhh!

And I think it was a mistake for Jackie to cast Anita Mui as the stuck-up, bookish-type who runs the grocery store and not as his love interest. Anita Mui was a massively famous pop star and actress in Hong Kong - martial arts fans will no doubt recognize her from movies like "The Heroic Trio" and "Drunken Master 2" - until her untimely death from cancer. She's definitely a more talented actress than Francoise Yip, who plays a horribly cliche character. You know, the bad girl with a heart of gold; this time it's an exotic dancer who hangs out with vicious and violent street thugs even though she really just wants the best for her little brother (gimme a break). As usual, she's way too young for Jackie - but that's pretty much always how he casts 'em.

With 17 minutes chopped out of the film, the storyline does suffer. It feels like a lot of Anita Mui's role was cut (she inexplicably changes hairstyles towards the end of the movie) and viewers might do a double take when all of a sudden Jackie gets chummy with the thugs who, just moments ago, wanted to break his neck. Unfortunately, we kind of just have to put up with this until Warner Brothers loses the license to this film and someone can put out a better DVD/blu-ray with the original Cantonese language track.

Jackie Chan is always there to prevent crimes against fashion

Regardless - "Rumble in the Bronx" is one of the few Jackie Chan movies I can whole-heartedly recommend as an introduction to Chan's work and just a solid movie all-around for martial arts enthusiasts. This is one of those flicks that I can revisit every 3 years or so and I have a grin on my face the entire time. 4 stars for a living legend.

Like Tony Jaa, Jackie Chan taunts me with a physique

I will never obtain without eating right and exercising...bah!

HUDSON HAWK (1991) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1991

Director: Michael Lehmann

Writer: Steven E. de Souza and Daniel Waters (screenplay), Bruce Willis and Robert Kraft (story)

Cast: Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, Andie MacDowell, James Coburn, Richard E. Grant, Sandra Bernhard, David Caruso

Soundtrack: Michael Kamen & Robert Kraft

Claim to fame: Razzie award nominee, major box office bomb, largely considered the biggest flop of Bruce Willis' career, has now achieved cult status

Rating: 4/5 stars

"If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, 'Kiss my ass.' But considering your status, I will say, 'Slurp my butt.'"

Movies often say "there's two kinds of people in this world," but there's only one kind of person who will enjoy "Hudson Hawk": those who love nothing more than watching Bruce Willis mug it up for the camera for 90 minutes. And yes, I count myself among them - so you can't peg my 4-star rating on a momentary lapse in reason. And this love of all things Bruce tends to grow tenfold if we're talking about movies from the late 80's and early 90's, when nobody played a smarmy tough guy better than him (see also: "Die Hard," "The Last Boyscout"), before "The Sixth Sense" turned him into the go to guy for "soft spoken, deeply wounded" roles.

Granted, I still love Bruce's movies these days (I even paid to see "Surrogates" in the theater) but there's nothing like back in the day when Bruce had at least a tuft of hair and a smartass comeback to every situation he encountered. And "Hudson Hawk" is pretty much the ultimate in Bruce Willis smartass comebacks.

How could you give this face a Razzie?

And yes, I am talking THE "Hudson Hawk," that Razzie award-winning critical disaster and box office bomb that hampered more than a few careers. Bruce's didn't really recover until he starred in "Pulp Fiction." Director Michael Lehmann went on to do "Airheads" and (shudder) "My Giant" before being relegated to TV work. And screenwriter Steven s. de Souza…wow, what a story this man has. What a fall from grace. You'd think anyone with their name on the screenplays for such massive 80's hits as "48 Hrs." and "Die Hard" would be pretty much untouchable in Hollywood, but Souza's career in the 90's is a how-to guide to royally screwing yourself.

After riding high in the 80's, he managed to lose it all by penning a string of the absolute biggest flops that the decade ever saw: "Hudson Hawk," "The Flinstones," "Beverly Hills Cop III," "Street Fighter" (which he also directed), AND "Judge Dredd." DAMN! Any writer would rather take fifty lashes than have one of those movies on his filmography, let alone ALL of 'em. I'd almost feel sorry for the guy except I've sat through "Street Fighter" and "The Flinstones." Strangely enough, it's a story we see play out often - see my review of "Broken Arrow" for how "Speed" screenwriter Graham Yost managed to derail his career with several post-"Speed" flops.

Bruce enjoyed working with you on "Die Hard," Mr. de Souza,

but he really has to question your judgment on that "Street Fighter" flick

But in a way I'm here to throw up a defense for Mr. de Souza because I, for one, can find a lot to love about "Hudson Hawk." Once you get past a truly ill-advised, ill-fitting prologue featuring Leonardo Da Vinci that plays during the opening credits (if your Bruce Willis movie goes for 5 minutes or more without us seeing Bruce, then you have serious problems), the film hits the ground rolling and rarely lets up.

Bruce plays Eddie "Hudson Hawk" Hawkins, a career thief and cat burglar. He's the best at what he does - there's just one problem: he doesn't want to do it anymore.

After spending 10 years in jail, he's released on parole. But everybody - and I mean everybody (his parole officer, his best friend, New Jersey's mob bosses, the C.I.A., and an eccentric millionaire couple) - want him to pull off a few more heists, which will coincidentally unlock the secrets of Leonardo Da Vinci's lost alchemy machine. Cue the over-the-top 90's hijinks.

Bruce Willis riding an early 90's "extreme" skateboard? Oh man, I'm in heaven!

And yet people (most people) don't like this movie. I'll tell you why: it was ahead of its time. "Hudson Hawk" offered a parody of a genre that America didn't care to see parodied yet. They were still in love with the real thing! "Die Hard 2: Die Harder" was a hit just the year before and they were ready for another dose of hard-boiled Willis action. Sure, there's action in this movie but it's more of the "big stunt variety" - Bruce Willis flying through traffic on an ambulance gurney and at least 3 or 4 scenes of characters leaping off of balconies (sometimes with explosions behind them). Funnily enough, Wikipedia claims that Sony changed the movie's tagline from "Catch the excitement! Catch the adventure! Catch the Hawk!" to "Catch the adventure! Catch the laughter! Catch the Hawk!" when it premiered on VHS.

I compare "Hudson Hawk"'s failure at the box office to a similar movie: "Last Action Hero." In their own ways, they offered loopy, Loony Toons-esque parodies of big-budget action movies. The problem is that they both had high production values (higher than necessary, I'd say, in the case of "Hudson Hawk") to provide the public with the explosions and spectacle they expected, thus leading to a major loss of money for the studio when the films tanked.

Both of them were co-written by guys that intimately knew the genre and helped popularize it - Souza for "Hudson Hawk" and Shane Black (the man who wrote "Lethal Weapon") for "Last Action Hero." Both failed to resonate with the public, who still expected their action stars to deliver un-ironic quips and maintain a straight face for the camera. "Hudson Hawk" and "Last Action Hero" both let the audiences in on the joke - that multi-million dollar action movies are often ridiculous - but instead the audiences suddenly felt like the joke was on them.

Where else are you gonna see Willis/Caruso antics?

What's so great about "Hudson Hawk"? Bruce Willis wears a t-shirt with a vest, for one thing. Not only does Bruce manage to have a sarcastic comeback or rubberfaced reaction to nearly everything that happens in the movie, he also seems to be blessed with the same mutant powers as the obscure X-Men character Longshot, in that he has exceedingly good luck. Every time Bruce is getting blasted out a window, he lands practically on his feet (or sitting comfortably on a streetlamp). He's always able to make the perfect shot with a rope or escape from harm's way to be back in time for a dinner date. There's one transition early on in the film that is so abrupt - Bruce literally goes from falling to his death to being seated in a lazy chair - that I did a double take and wondered if some crucial scene had been spliced out of the movie.

Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello partake in their criminal heists while performing synchronized show tunes together, with Bruce's real singing voice (I know what you're thinking: how could this movie have possibly won any Razzies?!). There are two Italian mobsters called the Mario Brothers and other video game references - pretty impressive for a 1991 film. The film features two incredibly over the top villains, a neurotic Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhardt with the obnoxiousness factor cranked up to 11.

Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard are certifiably...insane

There's a group of CIA agents who are all named after candy bars (Snickers, Butterfinger, Almond Joy, etc.) and they're led by James Coburn, who at one point adorns purple camo and does kung fu. The only thing that Bruce Willis wants the entire movie is a good cup of cappuccino after being in the joint for 10 years. Throughout the entire movie, he is denied the simple pleasure of that cappuccino, whether it's somebody shooting a bullet through his cup or slipping drugs in it. Hey, it's hard not to relate to a character when all they want is a decent cup 'o joe! And then there's the one-liners. Oh, the one-liners. I'll put it this way: they're near constant and nearly put "Tango & Cash" to shame.

All he wants is a cappuccino!

Bruce Willis starred in two movies in 1991: "Hudson Hawk" and "The Last Boyscout." Both films performed below expectations at the box office but have since developed cult followings. And while I have to cite "The Last Boyscout" as the better film, thanks in large part to the cynical edge of Shane Black's ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang") script…I cannot deny the unique appeal of the Hawk. Unfortunately, it seems like one of those instances where Hollywood set themselves up for disaster. The early 90's marketing scheme claimed the movie was the latest action blockbuster from producer Joel Silver ("Lethal Weapon"), when it really has more in common with Loony Tunes than it does "Die Hard."

I'd wager that more money than necessary was spent on the movie, seeing as how the entertainment value comes from the guffaw-worthy dialogue and eccentric characters, not from any expensive explosions or setpieces. Then you've got the video game tie-ins for the Game Boy and Nintendo Entertainment System when the movie is definitely "R"-rated, despite some cartoony antics that probably had an unfortunate number of little kids exposed to the flick.

An Ebay prize worth its weight in gold

Regardless, "Hudson Hawk" is the kind of movie that people who love bad movies sit down to watch, expecting a turkey of epic proportions, only to find out that the movie is pretty damned hilarious and not without its charms (pending that you're a Bruce Willis devotee). Or…at least that how it was for me. As the saying goes: your mileage may vary. Just keep an open mind - I mean, this is the one movie where the hero escapes from the bad guys with the leading lady, only to ask her to play Nintendo with him. Keep an open mind…and you might just take flight with the hawk.

Hey, you don't have to put a gun to my head -

any time you wanna watch "Hudson Hawk," just invite me over