THE OCTAGON (1980) - 3/5 stars

Release: 1980

Director: Eric Karson

Writer: Paul Aaron, Leigh Chapman

Cast: Chuck Norris, Karen Carlson, Lee Van Cleef, Carol Bagdasarian, Brian Libby, Richard Norton, AJ Hindle

Soundtrack: Dick Halligan

Claim to fame: Chuck Norris vs. a hell of a lot of ninjas

Rating: 3/5 stars

If you're the kind of person who thrives on bad movies, then "The Octagon" will be like a hearty feast for your cinema palette. 'Cause this movie comes from another dimension of bad. I honestly think it would at least…three viewings for me to piece the plot together.

For instance: what the hell is Chuck Norris' job in this movie? I mean, what does he do for a living? Is he a detective, a bodyguard, a mercenary?? People keep telling him that he should get back into fighting so I take it he's an ex-karate champ. But is being a karate champ (let alone an ex- one) an occupation?! I honestly don't know.

Chuck Norris - not a man you'd expect to find in the unemployment line

I'm used to Chuck's late 80's output, which was all about him stopping terrorist attacks and beating up Middle Eastern dictators ("Delta Force"), or putting a stop to the Red menace ("Invasion U.S.A."). Compared to those, I feel like I need a Masters degree (in ninjaology?) to unravel the plot of "The Octagon." For example, what part of the country does it even take place in? The screenplay is less of a structured story and more like various images and events scribbled down while the writer was in the midst of a fever dream.

Despite all that, there's not even much action until the very end of the movie. I've never seen a Chuck Norris movie so prone to...talking. Chuck talks to friends, talks to women, over dinner or drinks. This is an exposition-heavy movie. No doubt the filmmakers thought they were placing a priority on the big "CD" - Character Development. But no, it just means that a large chunk of this film is boring as hell.

"Let's talk about our problems, baby/Let's talk about feelingsss"

The rest of "The Octagon" similarly intrigues and befuddles me. Chuck's voice-over narration is fantastic. For one moment of our short lives, we are privy to Chuck's thoughts. It just so happens that they're awash in a ton of echo and reverb, rendering these cryptic phrases ("Where did it start start start…go back to the beginning beginning beginning") even more indecipherable. But I'm sure that's the way Chuck likes it.

Another thing I love about this movie is that Chuck plays a single man about town for once. He's got no family or steady girlfriend. So we get to see him wine and dine a few lucky gals and engage in some excessive flirtation. Let me tell you, the ladies like to lay it on thick when they're coming on to Chuck. I know what you're thinking: who can blame them?

Now that's what I call a "bear hug," oh yeah

What else? Lee Van Cleef plays a…um, who is his character, exactly? He seems like some kind of ex-mercenary/arms dealer who knows everything about everything that goes on in international espionage and terror (except where the Octagon is, naturally).

Lee Van Cleef is a great actor but even he doesn't know what he's doing here

AJ Hindle, who you might recognize from the 70's horror flick "Black Christmas," plays Chuck's friend. Which is all well and good but Hindle has this crippling inferiority complex where he doesn't feel as masculine or competent as Chuck.

The damsel-in-distress of the plot tells Hindle that trying to compare himself to Chuck is "like comparing apples and oranges," but the guy just won't listen. He ends up getting himself captured by the enemy due to his recklessness.

AJ Hindle suffers from an inferiority complex, which is common

among Chuck Norris' male co-stars ('cept for Lee Van Cleef, 'o course)

But that's actually a good thing, because it leads us to "The Octagon"'s insane finale. The last twenty minutes of this movie are Chuck Norris infiltrating a ninja compound and kicking the crap out of every last ninja who gets in his way. It's truly a thing of beauty.

All the fights and stunts were choreographed by Chuck and his brother, Aaron Norris. Sure, the choreography is pretty dated but this sequence wins out for the sheer number of bad guys that Chuck decimates. I have to imagine this is why anybody bought a ticket to "The Octagon" in 1980 - total ninja destruction - and the climax of the film does not disappoint, even if the rest of the movie is a talky, exposition-laden mess.

Bear in mind that my dad swears up and down that "The Octagon" is a great piece of filmmaking, even though he hasn't seen it in over twenty years. So strong is the lure of "Chuck Norris vs. a shitload of ninjas."

Holy shit, did Chuck Norris just slash a flaming ninja -

who he'd already killed - across the chest with a sword?!

"The Octagon" is the greatest movie ever!!!!!!!!!111

COBRA (1986) - 3/5 stars

Release: 1986

Director: George P. Cosmatos

Writer: Sylvester Stallone, Paula Gosling (novel)

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Bridgette Nielson, Brian Thompson, Reni Santoni, Andrew Robinson, Art LaFleur, Lee Garlington

Soundtrack: Sylvester Levay

Claim to fame: one of the most fascist movies of all time, the Italian Dirty Harry, the Alien Bounty Hunter from "X-Files" plays the bad guy, Santa Monica Stallone (in lieu of Beverley Hills Cop)

Rating: 3/5 stars

Wow, this movie is a mess. But at least it's a fun mess to watch. "Cobra" is simultaneously an attempt at a vanity project for Stallone and his then-wife Bridgette Nielson, a rough adaptation of Paula Gosling's novel "Fair Game," and a slick 80's action thriller - "Dirty Harry" for the "Me generation." And it fails spectacularly at all of them.

Stallone and Nielson - not exactly the hottest couple of the 80's

First of all, Stallone cobbled together the script from the left-over ideas he had for "Beverly Hills Cop." Yeah, Stallone was originally going to be in "Beverly Hills Cop" before it was an all-out comedy, but Paramount thought his screenplay would cost too much money. Stallone turned that script into "Cobra," which makes me wonder why he even bothered to pay the rights for Gosling's novel (which was later turned into a movie AGAIN in the 90's, with the epically awful duo of William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford).

Now you would think that Stallone reuniting with "Rambo: First Blood II" director George P. Cosmatos for a more urban action flick would be a surefire bet, but considering that the cinematic style of this movie has more in common with "Over the Top" and "Staying Alive" than any "Rambo" flick, I'm inclined to believe that Stallone ghost-directed the movie himself.

When investigating a crime scene, it's important to always

look good in a part of tight-ass blue jeans

I mean, the whole thing is edited like a music video. There's a scene when Cobra and his partner go to shake down information by visiting the seediest parts of, uh, Santa Monica (yeah). The director, whoever he was, chose to intercut these scenes of Stallone visiting neon-lit sex shops and darkened alleys with shots of Bridgette Nielson in ridiculous 80's garb, posing with a fake robot in some kind of ridiculous future-chic photoshoot.

Now you could say that "Oh, here the auteur is choosing to contrast the harsh reality of life on the streets with the sleek, superficial world of fashion." But considering how *out of nowhere* and seemingly random the editing in this movie is, it feels more like your dog stepped on the remote and flipped the TV back to some cable show in the middle of you watching "Cobra." It doesn't help that every scene in the film is scored to bland, ultra-generic pop music with your standard 80's lyrics about "working too hard" or "feeling the heat."

Check out Stallone's wardrobe in this movie. He seems to take a page from Chow Yun Fat: dark coats, ridiculously large black sunglasses, a matchstick always hanging precariously out of his mouth (in place of a toothpick). Except, of course, Stallone is nowhere near as bad-ass as "The Killer" in this flick. Sure, he may take down criminals with a laser-sighted machine gun but he also delivers lines like, "Hey, you got a life preserver on ya? Cause I think your french fries are drownin' in that catsup." Ugh…even when he's supposed to be a LA cop with a license to kill, Stallone seems unable to play anything other than a lovable idiot.

"Hey, yo, uh, you got tha right to remain, uh, dead, yo."

At the epicenter of this film is actor Brian Thompson, a hulking…hulk of a man, perhaps best known for his role as the Alien Bounty Hunter on "The X-Files." This is another standout part for Thompson, where he gets to be big, mean, and scary…but he also has a speaking part! At first I was like "Wait a minute, something doesn't look right about him" - but don't worry, later on he slicks his hair completely back just like on "The X-Files," so all is well with the world.

It's just unfortunate that the plot/subplot (I can't tell, maybe you can) Thompson is involved with makes absolutely no sense. Well, that's not true. It COULD have made sense, had the screenplay bothered to flesh out just what the hell Thompson and his cronies are up to. But it leaves everything to the imagination.

Fans love Brian Thompson precisely because he scares the shit out of us

See, Thompson playas the leader of an underground cult in the Los Angeles/Santa Monica area. There are frequent shots of dozens of people in some undisclosed location, literally clanking axes together. We never actually visit this set during the movie! Now in these scenes, the cult looks like they're made up of a bunch of yuppies - there's even a guy in a suit, and later one of the cult members is revealed to be a cop.

When we see Thompson and a few of his followers go out at night, dressed in black and driving a beat-up van as they look for a few young single women to butcher, you figure - oh, okay. It's a bunch of detached yuppies looking to get their rocks off by slashing up women. But then there's all this talk about Thompson starting "a new world order." Is it a new order of people who are so disconnected from reality that they get sick pleasure from murder? Okay, maybe. I guess that makes sense, especially if they're yuppies.

But during the climax of the movie, when Thompson and the entire cult go after Stallone, they're just a giant BIKER GANG. You know - black leather, blue jeans, Harley Davidsons. Huh?! I don't get it - WHO the hell is in this cult and what new world order are they awaiting?! People usually argue that the book is better than the movie but "Cobra" might be a case where reading the book is necessary just to grasp what the hell the movie is actually about.

Stallone wages a one-man war against Hell's Angels during the climax of "Cobra"

Here's some of Thompson's dialogue at the end of the film, see if you can piece it together. Thankfully, Thompson gives such a good performance that you overlook the plot holes regarding his character. He also calls Stallone a "pig" nearly 20 times during their final battle in a foundry.

THOMPSON: You want to go to hell? Huh, pig? You want to go to hell with me? It doesn't matter, does it? We are the hunters. We kill the weak so the strong survive. You can't stop the New World. Your filthy society will never get rid of people like us. It's breeding them! WE ARE THE FUTURE!

Yikes. If you can make heads or tails of that little monologue in the context of "Cobra," please leave a comment and let me know! Now Wikipedia claims that this Order is "a group of supremacists who believe in killing the weak and leaving only the strongest and themselves to live and rule the world," which is all well and good, except I have NO IDEA how they would actually derive that from the movie itself. You shouldn't have to use the novel, or even the novelization of the movie, to reference plot details that the film conveniently leaves out!

This is the face you make when even YOU don't understand the plot of your movie

"Cobra" was produced by the wonderful duo of Golan-Globus, who were responsible for many fine films like "Bloodsport" and the "Death Wish" sequels. These guys seem like a natural fit for Stallone but I can't say that "Cobra" is one of their best efforts. The movie is filled with a lot of action sequences but they're surprisingly bloodless. Stallone shoots over 30 people, at least, during the end but you never see a drop of blood.

Even when Thompson and his cult are out carving up their victims in scenes that are clearly a nod to slasher movies, the camera always cuts away before anything gruesome can be shown. I don't get it - you've got an "R"-rating, why don't you run with it?

THIS is what fans want to see!

Hopefully "The Expendables" will deliver on the bloody action

The Golan-Globus boys were never known for throwing their punches so the lack of genuine impact to the violence here is surprising. I think this, more than anything - even more than Bridgette Nielson delivering a performance not unlike Tommy Wiseau's ("The Room") little sister - is what makes "Cobra" a disappointment for me. This is a hardcore Stallone action flick - just look at the cover! - I want some blood, man!

Oh well, at least there's a pretty awesome car chase where Stallone gets to use some nitrous oxide. Oh, but be warned that by 1987 Golan-Globus were starting to bleed money so this movie is FILLED to the brim with product placement for Pepsi, Coke, Miller High Life, and Coors. Actually, I could go for a High Life right about now…

Stallone hauls ass in the Cobra-mobile to pick up some High Life

Now I mentioned "Cobra" in my review of "Tango & Cash" as being a movie that is borderline fascist - and that's being kind. When I take into consideration that Stallone wrote the screenplay and focus on Stallone's delivery itself, I have to take all of Cobra's lines at face value and interpret them as being Stallone's actual opinion.

And let me tell you, Cobra's opinion is that criminals are a disease; that judges are limp-wristed liberal pansies who let killers and rapists off with a slap on the wrist; that most police officers (or at least the ones who wear suits) are too half-hearted to deliver the punishment that criminals deserve; and the best form of justice for people who shoot up grocery stores is a bullet fired from a (laser-sighted) machine gun. Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to the Eighties.

"It's the eighties/do lots of coke/and vote for Ronald Reagan!"

They just don't make these kinds of urban crime-conscious movies anymore (see also: my review for "Death Wish 3"). That's probably because Reagan isn't still in office, but still - "Cobra" is one of the most vicious and mean "criminals are trash who deserve to die" flicks around. The problem is, the villains in this movie are so over the top and cartoony - again, yuppies who clank axes together in some mysterious underground lair - that its point about real street crime is totally lost. Combined with the cornball music and editing throughout the film, "Cobra" isn't so much an action movie with a message as it is the point where "Death Wish" meets a Duran Duran music video.

Hungry like the wolf

TANGO & CASH (1989) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1989

Director: Andre Konchalovsky

Writer: Randy Feldman

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell, Jack Palance, Teri Hatcher, Brion James, James Hong, Robert Z'Dar

Soundtrack: Harold Faltermeyer

Claim to fame: Four words - Stallone, Russell, shower scene.

Rating: 4/5 stars

Sylvester Stallone's acting in "Tango & Cash" is a lot like the movie itself: it goes so far beyond the stratosphere of bad that it comes out the other side, into something approximating genius. First of all, this flick's title, cover art, and premise would lead you to believe it's based on some cheesy 70's or 80's cop show - not to mention the intensely catchy, ready for primetime main theme. Guess what? IT'S NOT. Huh?!

Let's analyze the plot: Stallone and Kurt Russell play two LA cops who are different as night and day but are forced to get along if they want to catch the bad guys. Wait a minute. Other than the fact that Stallone dresses like a Wall Street hotshot and Russell dresses like a gym rat - these guys are exactly the same. They're both MAVERICK COPS who PLAY BY THEIR OWN RULES. Take notes because is the kind of thinking that has Hollywood in such a rut to this day.

Two good cops...with bad attitudes. Is there enough room in LA for the both of them?

The movie would arguably have been much more compelling if Stallone had, say, embodied a more level-headed, by-the-book, more liberal (if you will) kind of cop, while Russell was the Bronson-esque enforcer of justice who did whatever it takes to get the criminals behind bars. It could have been like a microcosm of the 80's itself, with two wildly different views on law enforcement playing out in a big-budget action spectacle. But no. Considering that Stallone and Russell have both starred in movies that could be construed as wildly fascist ("Cobra" and "Dark Blue" respectively), I suppose that was out of the question the moment they signed on the picture. Okay, so they both gotta be hotshots. We get it.

Would you even trust these guys to valet your car?

I think it's been scientifically proven that "Tango & Cash" has more one-liners per minute than any other movie ever written. Thankfully they're either at least mildly chuckle-worthy or they're so damn awful you just have to groan (at the same time you laugh inside). Russell's rapid fire delivery is particularly impressive and he tends to carry the movie's slower scenes based on his natural, smart-alecky charisma. This is Jack Burton we're talking about, after all.

Stallone…man, I love Stallone but his character in this flick is something else. He plays the most stuck up, prissy, Wall Street Journal-reading cop you could ever imagine. This is the kind of guy who holds his tea cup with his pinky finger sticking straight at you. And he's constantly got some asinine quip to deliver, in that stuck up, self-righteous "I went to Yale and you didn't" kind of tone. It's through the sheer force of Stallone's likable screen presence that this character is even watchable because, on paper, he reads like a total prick.

Try not to giggle every time someone calls Stallone "Mr. Tango"

At one point Stallone's superior questions why Stallone stays on the job when he clearly has enough money to retire. Stallone claims it's all about the action. Thus begins this cringe-inducing exchange:

CAPTAIN SCHROEDER: If you really want to stare death in the eye, you shoulda gotten married.

TANGO: [laughs] Is that a proposal?

It's moments like these that you have to have the right technique. I usually brace my arms out in front of me, fists clenched, and employ yoga-like breathing techniques. That way you're taking the corny lines right into your body and dissipating them throughout your system so you can fully process them and move on. Trust me, it's a life saver.

"Hey...we're still straight, right?"

Jack Palance is the villain. 1989 was a banner year for Mr. Palance. He played an evil gangster in both "Tango & Cash" and Tim Burton's "Batman." Although "Batman" went on to gross far more money than "Tango," Palance definitely has the better role in this one. He really seems to relish the chance to play a ridiculous , cartoon-y villain. Whenever he appears, he's either sitting in a leather chair, smoking a cigar or he's surrounded by a ton of billowing steam. And he spends the entire movie smacking his lips at every line, as though there's some lingering hickory smoke bar-b-q sauce he's trying to get at. I guess the scenery of "Tango & Cash" must just taste that good.

Jack Palance - he never met a movie set he couldn't chew

Palance's go-to guy in this movie is the always-recognizable Brion James. If you've seen a movie, chances are Brion James was in it. No, seriously - he's been in everything: "48 Hours," "Blade Runner," "Silverado," "Red Heat," "The Quick and the Dead," "The Fifth Element." I could go on. Unfortunately, Brion had the bright idea to put on a fake cockney accent for this role and Stallone liked it so much that he rewrote the script and gave Brion a bigger part. So he's in a lot of the movie, with that terrible accent, but at least Stallone has a lot of fun mocking Brion's ponytail.

Brion James argues with Stallone about who has the worst vocal affectation in the movie

And I would be amiss if I did not mention Robert Z'Dar's role in this movie. You might be asking yourself: Robert who? But Robert Z'Dar has the distinction of appearing in not one but two Mystery Science Theater 300 movies (the classic "Future War" and "Soul Taker"), though he doesn't have many lines in either. He also brought the titular role to life in "Maniac Cop," but Z'Dar was buried under a lot of make-up there.

What's great about "Tango & Cash" is that Z'Dar plays one of the main henchman and has a decent amount of lines. He even gets to tell Stallone he's gonna cut him a new asshole! That, uh, doesn't go over so well for Z'Dar, though. He delivers the line "Out on the streets, this cop and his pig friends/broke my leg, my ribs, and my jaw" like it's some kind of pirate-y, sing-song lyric. And he has the distinction of being the one baddie that Stallone and Russell both punch at the same time.

Robert Z'Dar's character is aptly named "The Face" - no joke!

"Tango & Cash" gets even more interesting when you read about how troubled its filming was. See, nobody was happy with the script - but then went ahead and started making the movie anyway. Then Patrick Swayze dropped out of the picture. Yup, that's right, Patrick Swayze was originally cast in the Kurt Russell role. He decided to do "Road House" instead, I kid you not. Which is really for the better - I think Russell is more suited to this kind of role and since Swayze went on to do "Road House" we got two awesomely bad 80's movies for the price of one (and our souls).

Don't worry, Kurt. Deep down we know you're irreplaceable

And get this: the director Andre Konchalovsky was fired with only a few weeks left in shooting. The reason? He wanted to make the movie more REALISTIC. This went against the will of producer Jon Peters, who is notoriously responsible for the giant mechanical spider in "Wild Wild West" and telling Kevin Smith to throw polar bears in his aborted "Superman" script. Peters wanted this film to be as cartoony and over the top as possible - and it shows.

"Tango & Cash" feels like one of those rare movies that was shot in sequence because, I swear, as the movie goes on it increasingly detaches itself from reality. What starts as your standard buddy cop flick ends with Kurt Russell and Stallone stopping by the LAPD's "Q branch" for some exploding gun boots and the Punisher's battle van. They then proceed to drive straight into the heart of the villain's impregnable fortress and cause all sorts of pyrotechnic mayhem. It's sort of like the neanderthal-American version of a James Bond movie.

The Punisher's battle van, as seen in the Spider-Man animated series

I mean, there's a shot of Kurt Russell leaping through a black void in a wet tank top, arms outstretched, gritting a leather belt in his teeth. A few minutes later Stallone is shown in the same kind of shot. If that's not *Expressionism*, I don't know what it is.

The "body sweat" quiotent in this movie is abnormally high

For the sake of action junkies just looking for a little bit of an 80's guilty pleasure, "Tango & Cash" delivers some impressive stuntwork. This movie is in love with people falling from great heights and, more or less, landing on their feet. The entire ending sequence is devoted to monster truck-style mayhem, with huge trucks blown up by missiles and bulldozers threatening to crush our heroes. Speaking of mayhem, you've also got Teri Hatcher performing some kind of dance routine to the classic synth-pop group Yazoo, wearing the most atrocious silver costume you can imagine.

Teri Hatcher lays an egg onstage

Later on, she has to smuggle Kurt Russell out of her dance club - while he's dressed in drag.

Kurt Russell - yeah, that's Kurt - in drag

Yeah, this movie defines the term "guilty pleasure" - and I'm not gonna even TALK about the dual ass shots that Stallone and Russell get…in the same frame…as they walk to a prison shower. Nuh uh. NOT gonna go there, my friends.

"Hey, you know, when we stand real still like this, we kinda look like a Gap ad."

POSTNOTE: I just gotta get this out in the open. Growing up, my childhood friend's dad looked just like Stallone in "Tango & Cash." He was a lawyer so he always had the suits on, and in my hazy recollection he had the same Tango-style giant glasses. Granted, he was more of a skinny guy so he didn't have the muscles or the thick neck like Sly but other than that - spitting image, I swear. As a kid, I couldn't walk by the VHS cover of "Tango & Cash" at the video store without thinking: hey, that's my friend's dad!

My friend's dad

POST-POSTNOTE: Don't be surprised or alarmed if, upon viewing "Tango & Cash," you have a dream or two in which you're wearing a shirt that's completely cut off at the shoulders like Cash does early in the film. Trust me: it's totally normal, totally healthy.

You know you want this shirt now

And now...some of my

FAVORITE TANGO & CASH ONELINERS

TANGO: Rambo? Rambo's a pussy.

CASH: When this is over, remind to rip Jimbo there's tongue out.

TANGO: With a tow truck.

CASH: I don't know about you but I've got an aversion to being F.U.B.A.R.

TANGO: What's F.U.B.A.R.?

CASH: Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

CASH: You want my vote for the psycho hall of fame, asshole? You got it!

CASH: You wanna cut my throat, go ahead. You wanna cut my fuckin' head off and use it for a fuckin' basketball? You can *bowl* with the motherfucker for all I care! Just don't let HIM do it! I don't wanna get killed by this limey, immigrant JERKOFF! I wanna get killed by an AMERICAN jerkoff!

CASH: Well, if it isn't Armani with a badge.

TANGO: When this is over, we'll have to pay Jabba the Hutt here a visit.

CASH: I'll bring a chainsaw.

TANGO: I'll bring the beer.

TANGO: Shame, shame. Don't you know that ponytails are out this year?

TANGO: You really look like shit in a ponytail, you know that?

TANGO: It wouldn't be a party without Mr. Potato Head!

TANGO: Yes, yes! I loved you in Conan the Barbarian!

TANGO: Either this clock's counting backwards or somebody just activated a bomb.

CASH: Yeah, I wonder who!

CASH: You are one mistrustful, maladjusted human-fucking-being, you know that?

TANGO: And I love you too.

TANGO: What is THAT?

CASH: That, is an RV from hell. Care to join me?

DEATH WISH 3 (1985) - 5/5 stars

Release: 1985

Director: Michael Winner

Writer: Michael Edmonds

Cast: Charles Bronson, Deborah Raffin, Ed Lauter, Martin Balsam, Gavan O'Herlihy

Soundtrack: Jimmy Page

Claim to fame: over-the-top Golan Globus action spectacle with Charles Bronson at dead center, taking on the worst scum New York City has ever seen

Rating: 5/5 stars

"Death Wish 3" accomplishes more in its first twenty minutes than most movies do in their entirety. The opening credits play as Bronson rides a bus back to the city that never sleeps, to music that is credited to Jimmy Page but sounds more like 80's funk crossed with a jazz fusion band. This perfectly sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Right away you know you're in good hands.

A humble beginning for a most over-the-top movie

Once Bronson is relocated to the heart of East New York, this guitar effect is introduced to the soundtrack that seems like something Page would actually write. It's a riff that brings to mind some unknown creature howling in the night and it's used to punctuate sentences in the most awesome way. Bronson goes to a used car lot to pick up some "bait" to lure out a local gang. The salesman seems doubtful. "And how do you plan to pay for this-" "Cash." BRANGGGGGG.

Fist raised - now you know it's the 80's

In "Death Wish 3," we're introduced to a neighborhood so over-ridden with depraved street gangs that it makes the Gotham City in "Batman '89" look like a nice place to live. If any real city were this devastated by crime, the government would recommend clearing out the few honest citizens (basically just children and the elderly) and nuking what was left. These gangs may resemble the cartoony punks from "The Warriors" but they're some of the sickest creeps you can imagine, from slitting an old lady's throat to raping women in broad daylight. Fortunately, Bronson is prepared to do something about it.

The main bad guy - don't ask me how but he manages to be as mean as he is ugly

Don't get the wrong idea - Bronson is a simple kind of guy. He likes chicken, ice cream, and stuffed cabbage. He enjoys good conversation with old friends, reminiscing about the war, and the love of an honest woman. But if push comes to shove, he will shove back. And believe me: you don't want to get shoved by Bronson.

'Cause chances are he'll shove your head straight through prison bars. Or shoot you point blank range with a concealed weapon, hit you over the head with a crow bar, blast you away with the kind of bullets that are usually reserved for big game hunts, mow you down with a war-era gatling gun, or reduce you to a few flaming chunks of flesh with a missile launcher. Yeah, Bronson accomplishes all of that - and more - during the course of this movie.

Rest assured, Bronson's gun will leave a crater in some gang member's back

Bronson is the definition of "speak softly and carry a big stick" and "Death Wish 3" is the definition of cheesy 80's action flick. This movie is legendary for a reason. It's filled with genuinely shocking violence, face-palm inducing lines (like the police chief that keeps calling Bronson "dude"), Bronson's unique charm, and it ends with a wholesale riot in the middle of the ghetto. Cops, biker gangs, street punks, and Bronson engage in the urban war to end all urban wars. It's worth any price of admission to watch it all go down.

A true friend is one who will feed ammo into your massive war-era machine gun

At this point you might be thinking to yourself: "wait a minute, I thought 'Death Wish' was a serious treatise on urban vigilantism." And you'd be right. But bear in mind: the first "Death Wish" came out in 1974. Part three came out in 1985. One crucial historic event occurred during that span of time. The rise of movie production time Golan-Globus. Golan Globus were single-handedly responsible for some of the most over the top flicks of the 70's and 80's, from Chuck Norris' "Delta Force" series to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2."

The duo were truly a match made in heaven with Bronson. Here you had a soft spoken but steely-eyed action hero with decades of experience in the business, who had already made a name for himself as an ass-kicker in movies like "The Mechanic" and "Mr. Majestyk." What Golan Globus did was pair Bronson up with decent-sized budgets and some truly off-the-wall scripts that fled from any facsimile of reality.

"You are Bronson"?! If only!

"Death Wish 3" is the first movie where they really perfected that magical elixir of hardcore violence, cheesy one-liners, unintentional comedy, and pyrotechnics. Oh, and don't forget the misogyny. At this point Charles Bronson's character seems caught in some kind of karmic wheel of fate. Anybody he loves or cares about is destined to either die or be beaten within an inch of their life. How many times can a guy lose the woman he loves? Bronson is almost a Greek myth here, like Prometheus who was forced to have his innards eaten by a bird every day. The only way Bronson can find any kind of solace is to dish out punishment to the gangs and hoods that are just asking for it.

And in the case of "Death Wish 3," it's a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

The Italian poster for "Death Wish 3" is a work of art