HUDSON HAWK (1991) - 4/5 stars

Release: 1991

Director: Michael Lehmann

Writer: Steven E. de Souza and Daniel Waters (screenplay), Bruce Willis and Robert Kraft (story)

Cast: Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, Andie MacDowell, James Coburn, Richard E. Grant, Sandra Bernhard, David Caruso

Soundtrack: Michael Kamen & Robert Kraft

Claim to fame: Razzie award nominee, major box office bomb, largely considered the biggest flop of Bruce Willis' career, has now achieved cult status

Rating: 4/5 stars

"If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, 'Kiss my ass.' But considering your status, I will say, 'Slurp my butt.'"

Movies often say "there's two kinds of people in this world," but there's only one kind of person who will enjoy "Hudson Hawk": those who love nothing more than watching Bruce Willis mug it up for the camera for 90 minutes. And yes, I count myself among them - so you can't peg my 4-star rating on a momentary lapse in reason. And this love of all things Bruce tends to grow tenfold if we're talking about movies from the late 80's and early 90's, when nobody played a smarmy tough guy better than him (see also: "Die Hard," "The Last Boyscout"), before "The Sixth Sense" turned him into the go to guy for "soft spoken, deeply wounded" roles.

Granted, I still love Bruce's movies these days (I even paid to see "Surrogates" in the theater) but there's nothing like back in the day when Bruce had at least a tuft of hair and a smartass comeback to every situation he encountered. And "Hudson Hawk" is pretty much the ultimate in Bruce Willis smartass comebacks.

How could you give this face a Razzie?

And yes, I am talking THE "Hudson Hawk," that Razzie award-winning critical disaster and box office bomb that hampered more than a few careers. Bruce's didn't really recover until he starred in "Pulp Fiction." Director Michael Lehmann went on to do "Airheads" and (shudder) "My Giant" before being relegated to TV work. And screenwriter Steven s. de Souza…wow, what a story this man has. What a fall from grace. You'd think anyone with their name on the screenplays for such massive 80's hits as "48 Hrs." and "Die Hard" would be pretty much untouchable in Hollywood, but Souza's career in the 90's is a how-to guide to royally screwing yourself.

After riding high in the 80's, he managed to lose it all by penning a string of the absolute biggest flops that the decade ever saw: "Hudson Hawk," "The Flinstones," "Beverly Hills Cop III," "Street Fighter" (which he also directed), AND "Judge Dredd." DAMN! Any writer would rather take fifty lashes than have one of those movies on his filmography, let alone ALL of 'em. I'd almost feel sorry for the guy except I've sat through "Street Fighter" and "The Flinstones." Strangely enough, it's a story we see play out often - see my review of "Broken Arrow" for how "Speed" screenwriter Graham Yost managed to derail his career with several post-"Speed" flops.

Bruce enjoyed working with you on "Die Hard," Mr. de Souza,

but he really has to question your judgment on that "Street Fighter" flick

But in a way I'm here to throw up a defense for Mr. de Souza because I, for one, can find a lot to love about "Hudson Hawk." Once you get past a truly ill-advised, ill-fitting prologue featuring Leonardo Da Vinci that plays during the opening credits (if your Bruce Willis movie goes for 5 minutes or more without us seeing Bruce, then you have serious problems), the film hits the ground rolling and rarely lets up.

Bruce plays Eddie "Hudson Hawk" Hawkins, a career thief and cat burglar. He's the best at what he does - there's just one problem: he doesn't want to do it anymore.

After spending 10 years in jail, he's released on parole. But everybody - and I mean everybody (his parole officer, his best friend, New Jersey's mob bosses, the C.I.A., and an eccentric millionaire couple) - want him to pull off a few more heists, which will coincidentally unlock the secrets of Leonardo Da Vinci's lost alchemy machine. Cue the over-the-top 90's hijinks.

Bruce Willis riding an early 90's "extreme" skateboard? Oh man, I'm in heaven!

And yet people (most people) don't like this movie. I'll tell you why: it was ahead of its time. "Hudson Hawk" offered a parody of a genre that America didn't care to see parodied yet. They were still in love with the real thing! "Die Hard 2: Die Harder" was a hit just the year before and they were ready for another dose of hard-boiled Willis action. Sure, there's action in this movie but it's more of the "big stunt variety" - Bruce Willis flying through traffic on an ambulance gurney and at least 3 or 4 scenes of characters leaping off of balconies (sometimes with explosions behind them). Funnily enough, Wikipedia claims that Sony changed the movie's tagline from "Catch the excitement! Catch the adventure! Catch the Hawk!" to "Catch the adventure! Catch the laughter! Catch the Hawk!" when it premiered on VHS.

I compare "Hudson Hawk"'s failure at the box office to a similar movie: "Last Action Hero." In their own ways, they offered loopy, Loony Toons-esque parodies of big-budget action movies. The problem is that they both had high production values (higher than necessary, I'd say, in the case of "Hudson Hawk") to provide the public with the explosions and spectacle they expected, thus leading to a major loss of money for the studio when the films tanked.

Both of them were co-written by guys that intimately knew the genre and helped popularize it - Souza for "Hudson Hawk" and Shane Black (the man who wrote "Lethal Weapon") for "Last Action Hero." Both failed to resonate with the public, who still expected their action stars to deliver un-ironic quips and maintain a straight face for the camera. "Hudson Hawk" and "Last Action Hero" both let the audiences in on the joke - that multi-million dollar action movies are often ridiculous - but instead the audiences suddenly felt like the joke was on them.

Where else are you gonna see Willis/Caruso antics?

What's so great about "Hudson Hawk"? Bruce Willis wears a t-shirt with a vest, for one thing. Not only does Bruce manage to have a sarcastic comeback or rubberfaced reaction to nearly everything that happens in the movie, he also seems to be blessed with the same mutant powers as the obscure X-Men character Longshot, in that he has exceedingly good luck. Every time Bruce is getting blasted out a window, he lands practically on his feet (or sitting comfortably on a streetlamp). He's always able to make the perfect shot with a rope or escape from harm's way to be back in time for a dinner date. There's one transition early on in the film that is so abrupt - Bruce literally goes from falling to his death to being seated in a lazy chair - that I did a double take and wondered if some crucial scene had been spliced out of the movie.

Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello partake in their criminal heists while performing synchronized show tunes together, with Bruce's real singing voice (I know what you're thinking: how could this movie have possibly won any Razzies?!). There are two Italian mobsters called the Mario Brothers and other video game references - pretty impressive for a 1991 film. The film features two incredibly over the top villains, a neurotic Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhardt with the obnoxiousness factor cranked up to 11.

Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard are certifiably...insane

There's a group of CIA agents who are all named after candy bars (Snickers, Butterfinger, Almond Joy, etc.) and they're led by James Coburn, who at one point adorns purple camo and does kung fu. The only thing that Bruce Willis wants the entire movie is a good cup of cappuccino after being in the joint for 10 years. Throughout the entire movie, he is denied the simple pleasure of that cappuccino, whether it's somebody shooting a bullet through his cup or slipping drugs in it. Hey, it's hard not to relate to a character when all they want is a decent cup 'o joe! And then there's the one-liners. Oh, the one-liners. I'll put it this way: they're near constant and nearly put "Tango & Cash" to shame.

All he wants is a cappuccino!

Bruce Willis starred in two movies in 1991: "Hudson Hawk" and "The Last Boyscout." Both films performed below expectations at the box office but have since developed cult followings. And while I have to cite "The Last Boyscout" as the better film, thanks in large part to the cynical edge of Shane Black's ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang") script…I cannot deny the unique appeal of the Hawk. Unfortunately, it seems like one of those instances where Hollywood set themselves up for disaster. The early 90's marketing scheme claimed the movie was the latest action blockbuster from producer Joel Silver ("Lethal Weapon"), when it really has more in common with Loony Tunes than it does "Die Hard."

I'd wager that more money than necessary was spent on the movie, seeing as how the entertainment value comes from the guffaw-worthy dialogue and eccentric characters, not from any expensive explosions or setpieces. Then you've got the video game tie-ins for the Game Boy and Nintendo Entertainment System when the movie is definitely "R"-rated, despite some cartoony antics that probably had an unfortunate number of little kids exposed to the flick.

An Ebay prize worth its weight in gold

Regardless, "Hudson Hawk" is the kind of movie that people who love bad movies sit down to watch, expecting a turkey of epic proportions, only to find out that the movie is pretty damned hilarious and not without its charms (pending that you're a Bruce Willis devotee). Or…at least that how it was for me. As the saying goes: your mileage may vary. Just keep an open mind - I mean, this is the one movie where the hero escapes from the bad guys with the leading lady, only to ask her to play Nintendo with him. Keep an open mind…and you might just take flight with the hawk.

Hey, you don't have to put a gun to my head -

any time you wanna watch "Hudson Hawk," just invite me over

CON AIR (1997) - 3/5 stars

Release: 1997

Director: Simon West

Writer: Scott Rosenberg

Cast: Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, John Malkovich, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, Danny Trejo

Soundtrack: Mark Mancini, Trevor Rabin

Claim to fame: Die Hard on a plane, Nicolas Cage with long hair, "Put the bunny...back in the box"

Rating: 3/5 stars

"Dear Hummingbird, break out the fine china, chill the lemonade, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...cause this boy's comin' home to his ladies, comin' home forever."

A man no less than James Lipton once said that Nicolas Cage owned the summers of 1996 ("The Rock") and 1997 ("Con Air," "Face/Off"). With all due respect to Mr. Lipton...he's never been more right.

And so it begins

"Con Air" moves along at a breakneck speed and with a clear sense of confidence, a confidence that comes largely from the script and music. Screenwriter Scott Rosenberg knew he'd happened upon a one in a million premise for an action movie, even if it's basically just "Die Hard on a plane" (which is technically what "Executive Decision" and "Air Force One" are as well, but "Con Air" blows them away). So he peppered his script with some outrageous one-liners and a bevy of memorable character parts.

John Malkovich rarely needs an excuse to ham it up

The casting director filled those roles out beautifully with guys like John Malkovich, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, Danny Trejo ("Machete"), M.C. Gainey (TV's "Lost"), and even a cameo by Major Briggs (Don S. Davis) from "Twin Peaks." Malkovich in particular is damn scary, looking considerably beefed up for the role. I think the guy normally weighs about 120lbs sopping wet but in "Con Air" he comes across as an able killer - a good match for Nic Cage's ex-Army Ranger.

Then you've got the soundtrack by Mark Mancina and Trevor Rabin, which is this loud rock grind with soaring guitar solos and poignant acoustic arpeggios that would make even Hans Zimmer ("The Rock," "Crimson Tide") blush.

So handsome, you just want to take his face...off.

Seeing as how director Simon West had little experience outside the realm of commercials and music videos (he later on to direct the "Gone in 60 Seconds" remake and, blagh, the first "Tomb Raider" movie), it's not a surprise he directs and edits the whole thing like a music video. With this music, this plot, and a surprisingly ripped Nicolas Cage leaping from explosions in slow motion, his long hair billowing in the wind - what else can you do?!

Wait, is it just me...

or does Nic Cage keep getting closer in these pictures?

Gahhh!!

And despite a bloated 115 minute run time, it works. It works until we get to the tacked on fourth act, where the editing becomes increasingly frantic - perhaps from a lack of coverage? - and Simon West makes the Vegas strip look like a Joel Schumacher movie (then again, maybe it does - I've never been there).

Then again, this ridiculous sequence goes by so fast that it's difficult to say it detracts from "Con Air" all that much. I mean, "Con Air" itself is ridiculous: it's pure, unfiltered Bruckheimer cheese, scored and scripted to the hilt, with Nic Cage delivering the most bizarre psuedo-Southern accent I've heard. Just embrace it!

"This is a wifebeater! And for me it's a symbol of my individuality, and my belief...in personal freedom."

This was Jerry Bruckheimer's first big production without his former partner Don S. Simpson, who sadly passed away in 1996. Although "Con Air" more or less follows the formula set forth by "The Rock" (Nic Cage, big explosions, exaltation of the military, and endless oneliners), its success guaranteed that the Bruckheimer hit machine would keep rolling on. Bruckheimer has maintained a successful working relationship with Mr. Cage (see: "National Treasure" series, the upcoming "Sorcerer's Apprentice"), an unlikely alliance if there ever was one, but it makes sense when you consider that Bruckheimer has given Cage the opportunity to play all sorts of different characters in the setting of big-budget studio movies.

For my money, Cage's two best performances in action flicks have been "Con Air" and "Face/Off" (the latter not a Bruckheimer flick), largely because these are the two where he really immerses himself in the role. Say what you want about his Southern-fried take on the role but Cage has definitely never played a character like this before (or since).

John Malkovich: "Don't you ever judge me."

Most of the fun of "Con Air" is how the editing is completely in sync with the heavy rock grind of the soundtrack, creating this fist-pumping "What do you think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save the fuckin' day" level of excitement that rarely lets up. It's a six-pack of your favorite beer in the form of a movie. The oneliners are near-constant, you've got the unlikely pairing of Nicolas Cage and John Cusack (two 80's icons in their own ways), and Bruckheimer throws a ton of money onscreen so everything blows up real good.

The merits of director Simon West's filmography are certainly debatable but with "Con Air" he did the right thing by not thinking too hard. Set up the camera, set off an explosion, and let Nicolas Cage leap right at the camera in a dirty wifebeater. CUT!

If it feels this good, it can't be wrong

BROKEN ARROW (1996) - 2/5 stars

Release: 1996

Director: John Woo

Writer: Graham Yost

Cast: John Travolta, Christian Slater, Samantha Mathis, Delroy Lindo, Bob Gunton, Frank Whaley, Howie Long, Kurtwood Smith

Soundtrack: Hans Zimmer

Claim to fame: Travolta's hairline vs. Slater's hairline, John Woo's 2nd film in America, vintage 90's action flick

Rating: 2/5 stars

When I first saw "Broken Arrow," I was probably about 16 or 17 and I thought it was pretty damn awesome. "Yeah, John Woo! With stealth planes! And shoot-outs! And an over-the-top Travolta!" I'm a bit embarrassed of my teenage self, but I suppose that's the case with most people. The real issue here is that "Broken Arrow" has not aged well. It just feels like the result of too many disparate elements, none of which really lend themselves to creating a genuine John Woo movie.

"Hey lady, take it easy. I already shaved once this morning."

On paper it sounds like such a great idea. Considering how much trouble Woo reportedly had working with Van Damme's Titanic-sized ego, it makes sense to hook him up with some classier actors like Travolta and Slater. Who doesn't want to see two of Hollywood's most distinctive hairlines battle for supremacy (and screentime)? And, hey, why not throw "Speed" writer Graham Yost on scripting duties while you're at it? Unfortunately, that's where things went wrong.

Yost's script is a lame-brained plot about stolen nukes that cobbles together action sequences from other, better movies (like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"). There's nothing about it that's suited to Woo's particular talents. At first you balk: how could the writer of "Speed" go wrong? But the more you think about it, the more you realize - as tightly plotted and constructed "Speed" as was, it did have an awful lot of bad one-liners. "Yeah, well, I'm taller!" anyone? And keep in mind that Yost went on to pen "Hard Rain" and "Mission to Mars," two of the biggest flops of the 90's and 00's respectively.

Slater's got a bead on the critic who made fun of his hairline.

Travolta plays the megalomaniacal villain who doesn't care if nukes go off and turn the Southwest United States into a crater; Slater is the military pilot just doing his duty and trying to stop him. Sure, the opening minutes try to establish a rivalry between the two (you know you're in trouble when a movie begins with a boxing match between its two leads), but "saving part of the country from nuclear annihilation" kinda trumps personal revenge. The problem is that this isn't Woo territory; there's a reason that his Hong Kong movies are called "pistol operas." That's because their stories are intimate affairs dealing with passion, loss, and bloodlust. On a large scale with the national stakes so high, Woo falters. Leave the pretentious sense of epicness to Michael Bay.

"Guys, I think our movie's got a problem."

Travolta and Slater have both worked with John Woo at least twice now so it's safe to assume they have a lot of respect and admiration for the man. Slater was probably thinking, "Hell yeah, John Woo! Make me look a bad-ass like Chow Yun Fat." Travolta, on the other hand, was most likely looking forward to the chance to play his first Bad Guy with a capital "B." Again, the problem is that the screenplay hampers them at every turn.

"So tell us again how did you do that steadicam shot in 'Hard Boiled'?"

The only shoot-outs in the film occur in cramped, claustrophobic spaces like a mine shaft or a train car - there's no room for Woo's patented aerial choreography or massive destruction, which is especially disappointing since we just saw him blow up an entire warehouse full of parade floats in the arguably superior "Hard Target." So, no, Slater doesn't walk away looking like a bad-ass, unfortunately. Travolta relishes the chance to chew up scenery but without any inspired dialogue all he can do is over-act and over-deliver his lines (and hold his cigarettes in the most ridiculously effeminate manner I've ever seen). Seriously, some of his best lines are "FUCK!" and "Yeah. Ain't it cool?" simply because his delivery is so off-the-wall.

Notice Travolta's cigarette etiquette. That's how you know he's the bad guy.

The cinematography is a mixed bag: excessive slow motion in scenes that don't call for any, bad mid-90's CGI, and at least one sequence that feels ghost-directed by Sam Raimi (I was waiting for some deadites to attack Slater). The camera is constantly moving; gliding through the air towards its subject. In previous Woo movies like "Hard Boiled" and "The Killer," it served to place you in the scene. In "Broken Arrow," it just comes across like the filmmakers are trying to make each situation feel way more epic and intense than it is. Characters can't just get into an elevator - the camera has to RUSH at them as they do so!

Then we're constantly cutting back to a bunch of White House and military types, who ominously mutter and murmur to themselves about what would happen if nukes went off on US soil. These scenes are obvious padding, and although actors like Delroy Lindo ("Romeo Must Die") and Kurtwood Smith ("Robocop") do their best, they could play these kind of perfunctory roles in their sleep.

These guys have nothing to do with the plot - and they know it!

Look at their faces!

The soundtrack is by Hans Zimmer before he got pretentious, so while the music is quite good you'll have to adjust to the fact that every instrument sounds heavily synthesized. Whenever Travolta walks onscreen Zimmer plays this icy, arpeggio'd, almost "Twin Peaks"-ish guitar line that brings to mind a 1950's ballad. I'm half wondering if it's a direct homage to "Grease." Either way it's totally ballsy for an action movie and it ended up becoming my favorite music motif in the entire film.

Yes John Woo fans, don't worry, there's some action like this in there.

Elsewhere we've got Samantha Mathis in a horribly sexist role as a park ranger that Slater (and the script) constantly talk down to like she's a child, and Howie Long as a henchman that does nothing but stand there and look thick-necked. John Woo, I love you, but I would not have picked this screenplay out of the pile. For Woo fans searching to explore his American filmography, stick with the mulleted action of "Hard Target" or the gleefully schizo madness of "Face/Off."

Andddd the hairline is intact!