DISTRICT 13: ULTIMATUM (2009) - 3/5 stars

Release: 2009

Director: Patrick Alessandrin

Writer: Luc Besson

Cast: Cyril Raffaelli, David Belle, Daniel Duval, Elodie Yung, Philippe Torreton, MC Jean Gab'1, James Deano, Laouni Mouhid, Fabrice Feltzinger, Pierre-Marie Mosconi

Soundtrack: various artists including Da Octopuss

Claim to fame: the long-awaited sequel to Luc Besson and Pierre Morel's 2004 international breakout hit "District B13"

Rating: 3/5 stars

Sure, sure, "District 9" was the critical darling of the sci-fi/genre community last year, but those who crave an injection of action into their veins knew all along that "District 13" was the cinematic destination for a kneecap-to-the-face adrenaline rush.

When "District B13" was released in 2004, it followed on the string of stylish action flicks like "Ong Bak" that combined wince-inducing stunts with a new athletic style known as parkour, a form of modern acrobatics that turns urban areas into obstacle courses.

The movie, directed by Pierre Morel and produced by Luc Besson, was short on intellect but hit the sweet spot for DVD importers craving their next action fix. And it proved that, even if he was never going to reach the artistic heights of "Leon" again, at least Besson was able to deliver slick Euro action vehicles every now and then.

As Jackie Chan would say: no fear. No stuntmen. No equal.

A lot has happened since 2004. Nearly every movie with a chase sequence has tried to incorporate some elements of parkour - even 2008's abysmal "Incredible Hulk" from fellow Besson protege Lous Letterier, which "B13" star Cyril Raffaelli contributed to. Cyril also played an evil henchman with Nightcrawler-esque agility in the tepid "Live Free and Die Hard" in 2007.

Over in Thailand, Tony Jaa managed to top the gravity-defying insanity of "Ong Bak" with not one but two amazing martial arts flicks ("The Protector," "Ong Bak 2"). It's safe to say that this particular brand of action filmmaking that was once so cutting edge has now reached Hollywood saturation.

So, as much as fans have been craving a sequel, you had to wonder: was there really a way for Besson to top himself and stay relevant with a "District 13" part 2? Lead actors Cyril Raffaelli and David Belle are a dynamic duo, no doubt, but they're no Tango & Cash; a sequel couldn't be sustained by their buddy chemistry alone. Bigger stunts, more elaborate action, a compelling storyline, and a kinetic visual style…those are the kinds of things viewers expected.

Now would be a good time for a snappy oneliner, guys

Unfortunately, Luc Besson's idea of crafting a worthy sequel here seems to be to take the same formula as the original and add a whole heaping load of CGI. Cue the collective groan from action fans everywhere.

Former director Pierre Morel is off to greener pastures - he directed the surprisingly good "Taken" and the surefire guilty pleasure "From Paris With Love," and is looking at doing a cinematic adaptation of "Dune." In his stead we have French filmmaker Patrick Alessandrin, a man I know next to nothing about but who apparently has some experience in directing French comedies. "Ultimatum" is his first film in 6 years. Are you worried yet?

I'll grant "Ultimatum" this: it looks and sounds gorgeous. The squalid beauty of a near-future Paris ghetto is brought to life by a stunning blu-ray transfer. The soundtrack features electronic/dubstep (I say that but I'm still not 100% sure what dubstep sounds like) by a French artist known as Da Octupuss, among others. It's music with a relentless, dirty groove that perfectly suits imagery of muscular dudes leaping from building to building while being chased by SWAT teams.

Jimmy Johns really takes it over the top with their new delivery service

Where this film goes astray is its screenplay and over-reliance on computer wizardry. The movie looks like it cost $100 million to make, but I'm sure it cost a fraction of that. Tere are times when it feels like Luc Besson's sole intent with "Ultimatum" was to prove that France could produce a movie as big, dumb, and loud as any Michael Bay blockbuster. But to what end? It's hyper-edited, digitally-enhanced sound and fury…signifying nothing.

The first "D13" opened with a parkour sequence that was so exciting and well-choreographed, it guaranteed that no matter what happened the rest of the movie, the filmmakers had your attention. With "Ultimatum," it takes literally 26 minutes for the plot to even kick in. Before that we have a vaguely creepy sequence where Raffealli dresses in drag to infiltrate a drug dealer's club. Let me put it this way: he's a bit too convincing. In fact, with a wig on he looks exactly like a muscular woman - and there are a few too many close-ups of his asscrack.

Cyril Raffaelli knows you're thinking about his ass

Of course, any talk about "plot" would be inconsequential as long as the action sequences held up. But they're either too cute for their own good or so far-fetched it's like they were cooked up by a computer program. This time around, Raffealli handles all the martial arts sequences while David Belle goes strictly parkour. One of my favorite moments was when our heroes are surrounded on both sides by a bunch of bad guys and Raffealli says something like, "I'll take care of these guys. You go do your Spider-Man routine." THAT'S what "Ultimatum" should have been about.

But again, it lets us down. I was hoping for Cyril's fight scenes to be up close and brutal, but too often he's using props - including a Van Gogh painting and a ladder - in choreography that seemed ripped right out of Jackie Chan's work from the 80's. Been there, done that. And David Belle's urban gymnastics no longer seem as impressive since everything looks so green-screened. By the time you got to the scene where Cyril and Belle drive a car through the hallways of a police station, you feel like "Ultimatum" is a Playstation 3 game where you don't even have to press any buttons.

Press X to Win

And I'm not even talking about the ridiculous story. You don't have to be Glenn Bleck to find the holes in this wacky far-Left fantasy that has a corrupt French military staging a fake cop killing so the President will agree to nuke District 13 and rebuild it as a suburban neighborhood for the middle class. As "Ultimatum" begins, the District has been drawn along 5 racial lines, including extremist Muslims, African warlords, the Chinese Triads, and Nazi skinheads. GUESS what brings all those folks together?

Yup, everybody puts aside their differences and teams together to try and stop the President from nuking the 5 tallest high-rises in the District and turning it into a bunch of condos. By the time you see the tall, lanky dude with "SS" and swastika tattoos all over his face raise his hand and join forces with a bunch of other ethnicities, well, if your eyes haven't rolled into the back of your head then you're not paying attention.

French skinheads everywhere wonder: can't we all just get along?

Again, if the action was up to par then things like this probably wouldn't matter, but "Ultimatum" just doesn't deliver the way its predecessor did. THAT SAID...wait for it, wait for it...I have to give it 3 stars simply because it looks and sounds astounding, and there was enough crazy fighting and stunts to keep me entertained for its relatively short runtime. And I can even appreciate the audaciousness of using blatant ethnic stereotypes as a means to promote racial harmony.

I'm also a huge fan of Cyril Raffaelli (as long as he's not wearing drag) ever since I saw him very nearly kick Jet Li's ass in 2001's "Kiss of the Dragon." I hope he stars in more movies where his name receives top billing - he's certainly earned it at this point. What can I say? Sometimes I'm loyal to a fault.

"Take two elbows to the face and call your doctor in the morning!"

How's that for a oneliner?

THE COLLECTOR (2009) - 1/5 stars

Release: 2009

Director: Marcus Dunstan

Writer: Marcus Dunstan & Patrick Melton

Cast: Josh Stewart, Michael Reilly Burke, Andrea Roth, Juan Fernandez, Karley Scott Collins, Madeline Zima, Robert Wisdom

Soundtrack: Jerome Dillon

Claim to fame: from the writers of the "Feast" series and "Saw IV-VI"

Rating: 1/5 stars

Yesterday I talked about how the horror movie "Dread" was a nice change of pace for the genre, in that it generally steered clear of cliche and took place in the unfamiliar (for horror flicks) setting of a college campus. Well, if "Dread" was all about avoiding cliche then 2009's "The Collector" is an exercise in embracing them. Actually, I'm not even sure if this movie is cliche or just completely unimaginative.

When people talk about the decline of Western civilization, "The Collector" is the kind of movie they're talking about. That might seem a little harsh. But when critics are tearing apart these movies ("Saw" and "Hostel" and the like), they're doing so because they secretly fear the person in the theater who's actually getting a half-chub while someone onscreen is having pliers taken to their tongue.

This is actually probably the smartest way to watch "The Collector"

Whether or not those people exist, you can can sense the dread among the critical elite that our entertainment is subtly being shifted and geared towards those kinds of folks. There's the notion that when hairless, orange-colored people bumping uglies online doesn't do it for you anymore, you move on to the next big thing - which is realistically simulated violence.

I don't really care about all that. Well, actually I do, but for the purposes of this blog the issue is kinda neither here nor there. Horror, like any genre really, is cyclical. Back in the eighties, critics were so offended by the graphic puppet and make-up effects of John Carpenter's "The Thing" that they literally labeled it pornography. In the intervening years, it's gone on to rightfully be considered a classic. The issue is, Carpenter was an artist; every aspect of "The Thing" was finely crafted, from the music and the lighting to the performances and, yes, the beautifully grotesque special effects.

"This will go nice in my collection of...err...what exactly do I collect again?"

In comparison, nearly every facet of "The Collector" is lazily slapped together. The plot concerns a sort of handyman/cat burglar named Arkin. During the day, he scopes out a house by doing work on it and then returns at night to lay claim to the family safe. When the movie starts, he's doing his latest job because his ex-wife desperately needs to pay off some loan sharks. Now, this is the kind of stuff that you would think the movie would spend time elaborating on: character motivation.

But no. Arkin's wife and young daughter are given the briefest amount of screentime possible. It doesn't help that lead actor Josh Stewart seemingly…can't act. Either that or he's trying way too hard to be low-key. Regardless, he plays a guy who should seem down on his luck and have at least some of the audience's sympathy, but thanks to Stewart just comes across as creepy.

"I'm not a creeper. I swear."

Arkin returns to the house later that night. The plan is simple: the family is on vacation so all he has to do is break in, steal an expensive jewel from their safe, and get out of there in time to save his wife from the loan sharks. A wrench is thrown in the gears, however, when Arkin discovers he's not the only one in the house. The family themselves never got the chance to go on vacation and they're now held captive by a serial killer. Can Arkin save those who are trapped in the house, including a little girl who reminds him of his own daughter? Can he even save himself?

Very quickly, any sense of believability (or credibility, for that matter) is thrown out the window. The Collector wears a mask that is a blatant rip-off of the mask that David CRONENBERG wore in Clive BARKER's "Nightbreed" movie. And it's not even a respectful homage like the Scarecrow's mask in "Batman Begins." It's just an out-and-out copy. Pay attention, because this is the makers of the "Saw" sequels…shamelessly stealing from horror icons like Cronenberg and Barker.

"Oh shit, did we just rip off 'Nightbreed'? My bad, my bad."

Straining the audience's suspension of disbelief, The Collector has the house wired with traps. Now, we're not just talking about a few bear traps scattered in the living room (though they're there), we're talking elaborate traps that actually have machinations *inside the walls themselves*, chandeliers with steak knives inside them (how'd The Collector get up to the ceiling to attach them?), acid on bedroom floors, criss-crossing wires and impromptu guillotines.

This raises so many questions, it's not even funny. How in the world did this guy get the house completely wired with his traps, to the point where they almost seem like a part of the house itself? Considering that he already has everyone tied up in the basement, who exactly are the traps for?

Not even those burglars in "Home Alone" had it this bad

And that's not even stopping to ask: why is this guy called The Collector? It's ostensibly because he always keeps one of his last victims alive and inside this large box. He lugs the box around in his van, drops it in the middle of his new victims' house, lets them discover it, and then proceeds to have his torturous way with them. It really doesn't make any sense. I mean, what's the point of keeping someone alive in the box…just to frighten your new victim? Except according to the film's prologue, he doesn't let the surprise of "Oh my God, someone is still alive and trapped inside this box inside my living room!" sink in long before he grabs the poor sap and ties them down to be poked and prodded.

What this comes down to is that The Collector is not a compelling horror villain. At first, he seems interesting enough; despite his "Nightbreed" mask, I liked the way the character moved throughout the house without saying a word and displaying no visible emotion. The Collector was scary precisely because we knew nothing about him - he could be anyone! - and his methods were methodical to the extreme. I realize it's a delicate balance for writers to keep their movie monster shrouded in mystery and yet have enough of a personality and backstory that horror fans can latch on to them. But characters with a sense of anonymity and a single-minded sense of purpose? They're scary. Scary because they seem unstoppable.

However, all of that got tossed out the window when the family's teenage daughter returns home in the middle of the night with her boyfriend and the two begin to get heavy - the Collector actually crouches down, partially out of sight, and starts to watch them. He then grotesquely licks his lips when the girl's breasts are exposed, which pretty much killed anything interesting about him for me. Alright, so he's just a loathsome pervert in a mask who gets off on voyeuristic sex and violence. I mean, he's basically the exact kind of person who critics like Roger Ebert are afraid is watching this movie!

"They call him The Collector...I don't know why, or what he collects

exactly, but the script is telling me to tell you that! So now you know!"

"The Collector" basically plays out like a "Home Alone" revamp for adults, with Arkin trying to dodge The Collector's macabre traps. The lighting, set design, and editing style are all borrowed from "Saw," making this film seem more derivative than it really should. Director Marcus Dunstan cut his chops by writing "Feast," "Saw IV," "Feast 2," "Saw V," "Feast 3," and "Saw VI." Whew.

Now, I don't take the genre so seriously that I can't enjoy the first "Feast" film, but it doesn't take the most discerning critic to realize that Dunstan's filmography isn't the most exemplary display of talent in the horror realm. "The Collector" was really Dunstan's chance to prove himself as a credible horror filmmaker - he co-wrote and directed the project himself - but he instead sticks to what he knows. Which is, basically, shlock for the sake of shlock.

This would be considered dark and edgy...if, you know, a million

industrial music videos hadn't done it already in the early 90's

Get a green-hued room with dirty tiled walls (don't worry if you have to color-code the film on a computer in post-production), make sure there are some fluorescent lights - flickering, of course - that the camera can repeatedly cut to, strap a weeping actor to a chair, and then splash some red corn syrup everywhere and you've got yourself a MOVIE. Right? Oh, and don't forget that a nihilistic ending, where even the morally questionable "good guy" is hacked to bits, is a must. We've got to ensure there's room for a sequel, after all.

But "The Collector" can't even get this formula right. The make-up effects are painfully low-budget (a scene where a guy has his fingers cut off looks like a bunch of flesh-colored clay digits flying through the air). The only standout scene moment is when a guy lands backwards onto the living room full of bear traps. Now that's a spectacular way to go. What's really unsettling is how "The Collector" tosses in violence against animals for seemingly no reason. Dunstan manages to slice a cat in half and literally blow up a German Shepherd in less than 80 minutes.

Get used to this color scheme cause it permeates the film

I know, I know: some people would say it's hypocritical to decry violence against animals in a movie that is all about perpetrating violence against humanity. But deep down, we all know that we've got it coming. Humans are the worst and most cruel species on earth. That's why we can watch these kinds of movies guilt-free. When was the last time you mourned the death of a horny teenager in a "Friday the 13th" movie?

But a family cat howling in pain as it's burned alive by acid and then sliced in half by a giant blade isn't something I really want to see in my horror flicks. Again, it's another element of this movie that seems only there to provoke the audience. You know, so the Beavis and Butt-Head sitting behind you in the theater can turn to each other and go, "Heh heh, dogs blowing up is cool, heh heh."

This movie's creepy, random fascination with spiders did not help endear it to me

If my 1 star rating has to be for anything, let it be for the score provided by Jerome Dillon, former drummer for Nine Inch Nails. His music is a decent-enough sounding pastiche of "The Downward Spiral"-era industrial music, and is in the tradition of other ex-NIN members doing horror movie soundtracks (Charlie Clouser wrote the music for "Saw"). This is the "NIN-loving high school Freshman" trapped inside of me being gracious.

And if it sounds like I'm getting too riled up over this movie, think of this way: you know all the times you've heard someone say "I could write a script better than that!" and you thought to yourself, "Yeah, right"? This is the one time where, yes, just about anybody could write a screenplay better than this. And if it sounds like I'm taking this movie too seriously, think of it THIS way: somebody actually spent $3 million dollars making this dungheap. Three. Million.

Geez. Remember when horror movies were actually FUN

and not just exercises in cruelty?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: CRISIS ON TWO EARTHS (2010) - 2/5 stars

Release: 2010

Director: Lauren Montgomery, Sam Liu

Writer: Dwayne McDuffie

Cast: Mark Harmon, Vanessa Marshall, James Woods, Chris Noth, William Baldwin, Gina Torres, Bruce Davison, Nolan North, Jonathan Adams, Josh Keaton, Brian Bloom, James Patrick Stuart, Freddi Rogers

Soundtrack: James L. Venable, Christopher Drake

Claim to fame: "a loose adaptation of the 1964 Gardner Fox-scripted Justice League of America #29–30 as well as the 1999 Grant Morrison JLA: Earth 2 graphic novel"-Wikipedia

Rating: 2/5 stars

It's great that so many reviewers on Netflix seem to be enjoying this movie, but I have to count "Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths" as a huge misfire. Though it attempts to translate Grant Morrison and Frank Quietly's well-liked graphic novel "JLA: Earth 2" to the screen and is even penned by one of the writers of the "Justice League" animated series, nearly everything about this production is flawed from the ground up.

On Earth-2, the Joker is a good guy known as the Jester

Before I get into any fanboy nitpicking that might of interest only to fans of DC comics, I can tell you why conceptually this film simply does not work. And that's because it's based on a more adult-leaning graphic novel and rated PG-13, meaning it's squarely aimed at the 14 and up crowd...however, the pacing of the film is terrible and before long it devolves into extended fight after fight after fight, which is frankly tiresome for anyone out of the 3rd grade.

But you can't actually screen this movie for anyone in the 3rd grade because of some language, a complex dimension-crossing plot, at least one sexually suggestive line, and some dominatrix-like costumes on some of the female super-villains.

The Crime Syndicate are like amoral dopplegangers of the Justice League,

kinda like the Marvel Universe's Squadron Supreme, heh.

My question then is: *who* is this movie for? In trying to please everyone - your basement dwelling Comic Book Guy and the little kids who have been watching the Justice League on the Cartoon Network - it pleases no one. Fans want more than super-powered brawls for 80 minutes, especially when you're translating the work of a writer as cerebral as Grant Morrison, but the PG-13 rating is going to be off-putting for parents who should definitely screen this movie before they let their kids watch it.

And as someone at Netflix kinda rightfully asks: why in God's name should you have to screen a Superman movie for your kids? Especially when the 90's cartoons from the likes of Paul Dini and Bruce Timm managed to have sophisticated storytelling without alienating a younger audience.

A fairly solid graphic novel bolstered by Frank Quietly's amazing artwork

But why else doesn't this movie work for the hardcore comic book audience who is ready to see Morrison and Quietly's "Earth 2" brought to the small screen? First: the voice acting. Tim Daly and Kevin Conroy are THE voices of Superman and Batman, respectively - no ands, ifs, or buts. The fact that they voiced DC's last animated effort ("Batman/Superman: Public Enemies") but were not involved here is especially egregious.

I don't care how much those guys cost; they're crucial to the audience's suspension of disbelief. They're truly the difference between whether these DC direct-to-video projects are going to be something fans rent once and never watch again or something that is purchased and placed on the DVD rack.

James Wood's gotta eat

William Baldwin does NOT cut it. In fact, he's probably the worst Batman I've ever heard. I'd rather have George Clooney back under the cowl than have to hear William Baldwin pretend to be Batman again. Mark Harmon was similarly atrocious as Superman; the guy made Big Blue sound like he had a speech impediment. James Woods barely registers as Owl Man, Earth 2's evil version of Batman. Woods is a great actor but here he sounds like he's just there for the paycheck. It's a narcoleptic reading.

And for that matter, where is Clancy Brown as the voice of Lex Luthor?

Oh, William, you smug bastard

Secondly, the script does a botched job of interpreting Grant Morrison's story. Where to start? The Crime Syndicate goes from being dark analogues to the JLA to being the Justice League meets the Sopranos. Ultraman talks like Ray Liotta in "Goodfellas" for cryin' out loud.

Not to mention the nitpicks that will be noticeable only to fanboys: the Flash appears to be Wally West like in Grant's story but the Green Lantern is Hal Jordan - why not stick to the original and have it be Kyle Rayner? There's an ill-advised, ridiculous romantic subplot involving Martian Manhunter and the…President's daughter? All the interesting stuff from the graphic novel involving Batman meeting Earth 2's Jim Gordon is gone, as is the Owl Man/Ultraman/Superwoman love triangle. We're left with a string of non-stop slugfests.

"Hey guys, there's a lull in the plot...let's fight!"

And you realize why the best JLA writers were the ones who made Batman seem like he was the toughest member of the team even though he was the only one without superpowers; otherwise, it makes no sense that Batman is even on the team! In this movie, Batman literally gets his ass kicked left and right by god-like beings. You start to wonder how he's even lasted as long as he has. We don't get a sense of Batman's fighting prowess or keen intellect at all. Not only that but he sets up the deaths of at least two characters. And again: he's voiced by William-freakin'-Baldwin!

I will say that I enjoyed hearing Nolan North as Green Lantern. If you've played any video game from this current generation then you've likely heard Nolan's voice, though he's most famous as Nathan Drake from the "Uncharted" series of games. If Nolan had voiced Hal Jordan for DC's "Green Lantern: First Flight" flick, I probably would have enjoyed it much more.

There's a scene of Batman stealing the Flash's pretzel

and munching on it. I wish I was joking

After "Planet Hulk" set the bar for adapting comic book story arcs into animated films, it's hard to go back to something like "Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths." DC seems to be a step behind with their animated films. They must think that if they toss as many obscure characters as possible into a movie (see also: "Batman/Superman: Public Enemies"), then fanboys will lap it up.

But no, we're a bit more discerning than that. Nobody wants to read a challenging and complex superhero story in print only to watch it dumbed down for an 80 minute cartoon. Pardon the pun, but can't we get the best of both worlds?

Oh well, at least the animation is decent

POST-NOTE: Reviews for "Twin Dragons" and "Operation Condor" have been updated with new screen captures courtesy of yours truly.

BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS (2009) - 4/5 stars

Release: 2009

Director: Werner Herzog

Writer: William Finkelstein

Cast: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer, Brad Dourif, Xzibit, Fairuza Balk, Jennifer Coolidge, Michael Shannon, Vondie Curtis Hall, Shawn Hatosy, Denzel Whitaker, Shea Whigham

Soundtrack: Mark Isham

Claim to fame: a semi-sequel/spin-off to Abel Ferarra's 1992 film "Bad Lieutenant" with Harvey Keitel; billed as the return of the Nicolas Cage that fans of "Wild at Heart" and "Raising Arizona" know and love

Rating: 4/5 stars

The story of Werner Herzog'z "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" tells a dark, cosmic joke. And at the center of the maelstrom is Nicolas Cage giving a frantic, unhinged, and incredibly hilarious performance. Cage captures the manic highs and dead-end lows of a drug addict in a manner that is far more entertaining than most "drug films" and represents his best performance in at least 20 years.

Nic Cage don't give a %#(@ about probable cause

Sometimes when an actor delivers this particular kind of hyper-acting, it can seem like the rest of the movie is simply kind of existing around - or desperately trying to keep up with - their performance piece. See: Nicolas Cage in "Vampire's Kiss" or Crispin Glover in "River's Edge."

Fortunately, with "Bad Lieutenant" one senses that Herzog and Cage are totally in sync and Herzog is more than up to the task of crafting a compelling film around Cage's character (who Ain't-It-Cool-News' Quint accurately likened to a Universal Monster).

I could spend hours imagining the hilarity of this conversation

It starts with Herzog's unique directing flourishes, like the shot from an alligator's POV as it mourns the death of one of its brethren in a roadside accident; or Nicolas Cage stumbling through an arcade while under the influence of drugs, the lights and sounds of the arcade exaggerated for impressionistic effect, and the disembodied voice proclaiming "Insert coin to play" almost like some kind of metaphor for drug use.

There's also a scene of Cage driving at night, with prostitutes emerging in and out of the inky darkness to call unintelligibly after him, that would make David Lynch proud with its surreal quality.

Poor Louisiana alligator...

Herzog fills out his supporting cast with stellar actors, whose faces are both unfamiliar and familiar. Brad Dourif delivers a great turn as a bookie, while Shea Whigham steals every scene he's in (no small feat when you're acting against Cage) with his constant "Ohhhh yeahhhhh's." Michael Shannon and Fairuza Balk make the most of their bit parts as two fellow cops.

Val Kilmer is great in a limited role, playing a character who is seemingly sober yet somehow WORSE than Cage's drugged out lieutenant. On that note, I'd love to see a spin-off movie about Val's character. I can only imagine the kind of insanity that film would conjure up. I doubt Herzog would return to helm such a project so why don't we give it to someone like Tony Scott (who worked with Kilmer before on "Top Gun" and "Deja Vu"), who'd probably take the proceedings way too seriously - and thus make it even more hysterical?

Val Kilmer: don't call it a comeback

With Cage acting up a storm, the highlights come fast and frequent. There's Cage going behind the counter to fill his own Vicodin prescription ("Can I have my prescription now, PAH-LEASE?!?!"); Cage sneaking up behind an armed suspect and then basking in the praise of his fellow officers ("I love it, I love it"); Cage taking drug and sex bribes from a young couple outside a dance club ("Did your parents MOLEST you?!" is his character's idea of dirty talk); and his interrogation tactics with two well-to-do Southern ladies.

This is not to mention the bits of insanity you've probably already seen in the trailer: iguanas on coffee tables, Cage threatening to kill some drug dealers "'till the BREAK OF DAWN, BABY!" What makes all of it work is that Cage never once breaks character; he remains fully committed to the role and the reality of his bad lieutenant - notice his limp that grows more exaggerated as the film goes on - so that no matter how over the top he goes you're never taken out of the story.

With Nicolas Cage, this...

...quickly escalates to THIS.

By the time you reach the end of "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans," Herzog has taken what would have otherwise been a standard police procedural and turned it into a morbidly humorous treatise on karma. In every other film where a character is dependent on drugs, you almost certainly know what you're in for: a downward spiral as the addict becomes increasingly reliant on their substance until their entire life implodes.

This film is anything but predictable. And since Cage makes his lieutenant so damn likable (or at least watchable), as ugly and brutal as his behavior is you can't help but smile and laugh when everything falls into his lap despite little to no effort on his part. Hey, sometimes life works out like that...and here, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Anddddd - CUT!

FALLEN ANGELS (1995) - 5/5 stars

Release: 1995

Director: Wong Kar-Wai

Writer: Wong Kar-Wai

Cast: Leon Lai, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Michelle Reis, Charlie Yeung, Karen Mok, Man-Lei Chan

Soundtrack: Frankie Chan and Roel A. Garcia (original music), Various Artists including Massive Attack, The Flying Pickets, and Marianne Faithfull

Claim to fame: a seminal but oft-overlooked 1995 film from internationally acclaimed writer and director Wong Kar-Wai

Rating: 5/5 stars

Some directors just create a world with their films. A world that you can become lost in, or even an inhabitant of, if you allow yourself. Wong Kar-Wai is one such director.

Along with his frequent collaborator, cinematographer Christopher Doyle, Wong Kar-Wai has created a series of films (including "In the Mood for Love" and "Happy Together") that are as seductive as they are devastating: full of rich colors, exotic fabrics, immaculate interior decorating, and lovesick characters.

It's a Wong Kar-Wai movie so of course everybody smokes

"Fallen Angels" is easily one of his best works. It's the flipside to "Chunking Express," which came just a year earlier in 1994. Whereas that daylight-soaked film focused primarily on the excitement and anticipation of beginning to fall in love, "Fallen Angels" is the perpetual twilight of unrequited love, jealousy, and one night stands. This is what Wong Kar-Wai excels at.

The close-ups of Michelle Reis as she rests against a glowing neon jukebox as though it props her very existence up, cigarette in hand, her dress seeming to undulate on its own, is a master-class on how to convey emotions through images and music alone.

Mood music

The plot follows two seemingly unrelated stories that dovetail nicely by the end of the film. Leon Lai is a detached, emotionless hitman who carries out his job with a ruthless efficiency, largely because he leaves all the decision-making and planning to a young woman with connections to the Chinese Triad, played by Michelle Reis. The duo rarely ever see each other but Reis maintains an intense, unrequited love for her partner.

Elsewhere on the neon-lit streets of Hong Kong, an eccentric mute played by Takeshi Kaneshiro tries to make enough money to take care of his older father and finds himself falling in (and out) of love for the very first time.

There are several motifs that harken back to "Chunking Express": Michelle Reis lets herself into Leon Lai's apartment both to clean it and to deliver information about his upcoming hits; Takeshi Kaneshiro's character has gone mute after eating a can of expired pineapple; and Takeshi's father runs the Chunking Hotel.

Michelle Reis: deadly beauty

While "Fallen Angels" creates a world unto itself, you may truly have to give yourself over to the film to enjoy it as it seems to follow its own internal sense of logic at times. Scenes of Takeshi Kaneshiro smelling Charlie Yeung's hair or pretending to put his arm around her while she stares disinterestedly out a window would probably seem creepy or strange if Takeshi wasn't so handsome.

Likewise, the moments where he breaks into closed down shops and then harasses random passerbys into becoming his patrons will seem unrealistic to some unless you allow yourself to be taken in by the movie (or just chalk it up to cultural differences, this being Hong Kong in the early 90's and all).

I'll have a cup of tea and tell you my dreaming

"Fallen Angels" has some of the best action sequences I've ever witnessed, which is almost hysterical because they're not really action sequences at all. Leon Lai takes out a few targets during the course of the film; each assignment is extremely brief but choreographed down to the micro-detail. Wong Kar-Wai seems to say, "So people love John Woo movies because of his use of slow motion? Then I'm going to use even SLOWER motion."

Sparks fly, bodies are torn apart by bullets, furniture is blasted open…and yet it's not exhilarating like "Hard Boiled." Somehow the action feels more realistic - despite how invincible Leon Lai seems - and as though it's primarily to reveal character. Indeed, these shoot-outs are what I'd call "existential action scenes" more than anything.

"Fallen Angels" contains some of the best shoot-outs I've ever seen,

even if they fall under the "blink and you'll miss them" category

I really cannot praise Christopher Doyle's cinematography enough. There is perhaps no one else working in film who knows how to photography women quite like he does. Michelle Reis is an attractive gal in real life but in "Fallen Angels" she looks as beautiful as I've ever seen anyone look; the kind of instantly striking visual appeal that harkens back to the silent era. And KINO Video's recent blu-ray edition reveals just how stunning the photography in "Fallen Angels" is.

It's worth noting that, much like "Chunking Express," the atmosphere in this film is erotically charged. In "Chunking Express," the intimate moments were about the joy of exploring a partner's body for the first time; here, they're used to communicate the character's isolation and loneliness. And yes, there's a famous scene of Michelle Reis writhing herself into ecstasy on Leon Lai's bed while he's away (and while she's wearing fishnet stockings, no less). It's a pleasant change of pace considering that most Hong Kong movies are devoid of sexuality outside of Category III exploitation.

Oh my...

Granted, the film isn't perfect. As I mentioned, it tends to follow its own logic and whims so you have to choose to go along for the ride or potentially be pulled out of the film. I've never been a fan of actress Karen Mok but I have to say that she's especially annoying here: her character seems perpetually drunk or just plain crazy, it's hard to tell, but I have difficulty imagining that any sensible man would pick her over the smoldering good-looks of Michelle Reis.

Quibbles aside, I'm genuinely surprised by how divided the reviews for "Fallen Angels" are at Netflix, with several 1-star ratings and one reviewer describing the first 15 minutes as nothing but "shots of wide hallways, narrow corridors, and escalators." Some may find "Fallen Angels" to be self-consciously "cool," but it's just as easy to interpret that sense of style as parody. All the elements of your standard Hong Kong flick are here: the distant hitman, bloody shoot-outs, the femme fatale, and extreme emotions. However, Wong Kar-Wai skews the genre tropes just enough that you could easily see this as a parody or a deconstruction.

Takeshi Kaneshiro's performance is broadly physical, given that he

can't talk, and it's one of the best roles of his career

What Wong Kar-Wai was expertly able to capture with both "Fallen Angels" and "Chunking Express," and part of what makes his work so compelling, is the paradoxical feeling of isolation that comes from living in a bustling city - finding yourself reduced to but one among many (millions in the case of Hong Kong) - tempered with the hope and promise that, just when you find yourself at your lowest, you could brush elbows with someone who might save your life.

Young hearts be free

THE KILLER (1989) - 5/5 stars

Release: 1989

Director: John Woo

Writer: John Woo

Cast: Chow Yun Fat, Danny Lee, Sally Yeh, Kong Chu, Kenneth Tsang, Fui-On Shing, Wing-Cho Yip, Fan Wei Yee, Barry Wong, Parkman Wong

Soundtrack: Lowell Lo

Claim to fame: perhaps John Woo's most famous and influential film; one of the standouts of the heroic bloodshed genre; and a botched blu-ray release from Dragon Dynasty

Rating: 5/5 stars

"The Killer" will never have the emotional resonance or genuine pathos that it had for me at 17. But that's life, right? As an angst-ridden high school outsider, this film's ridiculously high body count and doomed love story hit me like a revelation.

John Woo truly created his own little pocket universe here: a place where honorable assassins and rogue cops could leak gallons of blood and still go on fighting, and the most meaningful sign of friendship was tossing your buddy an ammo clip in the midst of battle.

A friendship tested by bulletfire

Rewatching the film years later, I can realize that for every four shots of action that are masterfully composed, there's one or two that feel sloppily put together (it's almost like these bad guys love running right towards our heroes just to get shot); and the central love story of the film relies heavily on Hong Kong movie cliches, like Cantopop songs playing over the soundtrack just as tragedy strikes.

I had to laugh when the Chow Yun Fat visits the lounge-singing object of affections and she asks, "Want to listen to some music?" and then proceeds to play one of her own songs over her apartment stereo.

Aw, $#%*& yeah

But arguably none of this takes away from the power of "The Killer." It's one of these films, like "Scarface," that is utterly steeped in the style of its era - the 80's. You can say that makes it dated, or choose to embrace its neon lighting, excessive (but still expert) use of slow motion, frequent religious symbolism, and nihilistic suckerpunch of an ending.

I mean, this movie is part of a genre that's been nicknamed "heroic bloodshed" and "pistol opera," and for good reason. Every emotion is at its most extreme, whether it's love or sorrow, and concepts like brotherhood and honor are treated as codes to live and die by. The over the top nature of the entire film, and John Woo's filmmaking style in general, only help to emphasize the plot's underlying themes.

Rest assured, Chow Yun Fat is filmed from every conceivable angle

while holding a weapon in this movie

There are certain people in cinema history that were just born to do things. Fred Astaire was born to dance, Bruce Lee was born to practice martial arts, and Chow Yun Fat was born to dual wield pistols and fire away like there was no tomorrow.

Chow is amazing here: his expression is constantly shifting between icy, straight-faced cool and completely tormented. He's always dressed to the nines and moves with a balletic grace as he mows down wave after wave of bad guys with whatever weapon is on hand.

Chow Yun Fat: born to kill

Danny Lee is in similarly fine form; in fact, this is probably his greatest hour as an actor. The man played a cop so many times during his career that the Hong Kong Police Force actually gave him an honorary award.

He's the perfect foil for Chow Yun Fat's assassin because Lee is utterly committed to his job, which involves catching hitmen like Fat, but ultimately his own personal sense of justice means that he has to side with Fat's crusade.

You engage in Mexican stand-offs with your friends now and then, don't you?

Both men give themselves over to loftier ideals - like friendship, honor - and are willing to sacrifice their very lives for them, which leads to the final showdown in a Catholic church. Once a statue of the Virgin Mary is exploded by the villain's shotgun blast, it becomes clear that the characters no longer have any chance at redemption.

It's then that their battle becomes not about getting out alive and starting a new life, but making sure you take down the bad guys before you spit out your last breath.

A symbolic turning point in the film (and NO, we're not gonna

criticize it for being too obvious or over the top, just shut up,

it's John-friggin'-Woo!)

While "Hard Boiled" may feature more outstanding, technically proficient action, it has none of the heart of "The Killer." This film is the complete, unfiltered creative expression of John Woo - the man's many passions and vast cinematic abilities are plastered all over the screen during every minute of the movie's runtime. Chances are you'll either love it or find it to be totally ridiculous.

Sure, the English translation on the subtitles certainly leaves something to be desired. But if you've never seen a movie where the good guys stand back to back, reloading their guns while their clothes are soaked through with their own blood and the enemy is pouring in from all sides, then "The Killer" might just make am impact on you like it did for me many years ago…and you might wonder if Hollywood has completely forgotten - or ever really knew - about that kind of old-fashioned heroism.

I swear, guys, I'm not crying...it's just something in my eye...sniff.

POST-NOTE: Not to end the review on a downer note, but Dragon Dynasty (the new Asian film label from the Weinstein Brothers) really botched the blu-ray release of "The Killer." The disc is only a 1080i encode and it hardly looks better than an upscaled DVD. The picture is soft and only a few select shots have the level of detail you'd expect from high-definition.

Even worse, the soundtrack sounds totally flat and mono. I realize that the film is old but for 1989 it shouldn't look or sound THIS bad. If you already own this film on DVD then there's no reason to upgrade to the blu-ray because it'd most likely be more of a downgrade. We'll have to keep waiting for the definitive version of this film to hit the hi-def format.

Chow and Danny are left smugly unimpressed by Dragon Dynasty's treatment

of their most excellent action movie